The Empty Stocking Hanger

When I started to unpack our Christmas decorations a few weeks ago, I discovered we had a little problem. Five stockings and only four stocking hangers. For the last few years, we've hung four stockings up on our mantel - one for Scott, one for Ethan, one for myself and one for our 6 year old pup, Harley. This summer, we added another member to our family. Our newest furbaby, Bentley. As I was carefully arranging the garland above the fireplace, I realized we wouldn't be able to hang Bentley's stocking without an extra hanger. Being the meticulous, perfectionist that I am, I was determined to find the same set of stocking hangers so I could add one to our current collection. I refused to buy a whole new set just because I needed one more! Let's be honest, those bad boys don't come cheap!

I knew I had purchased our original set from Target, so on one of my weekly (sometimes twice a week) trips to Target I paroozed the holiday decor section. At first, it looked as though they no longer carried the same ones, and I'd have to swallow my pride and buy TWo whole new sets. But to my delight I found a 2-pack in the back, behind some discounted snow globes! SCORE! I didn't even know they sold them in sets of two! I thought I'd have to buy a whole new 4-pack, just to get one matching hanger to my already existing set! I was so proud, and somehow felt I was getting a deal only having to buy one extra instead of three! GO ME! Gotta love a good deal during the holidays!

When I got home, I went straight to the fireplace. I could barely contain myself, I was so excited to finally have all 5 stockings hanging up together! It wasn't until later that night, when Scott came home from work, that I realized I had mistakenly put up the extra hanger!

"Hey, you put Bentley's stocking up! Looks great! What's with the other hanger, though?" Scott asked with a perplexed look on his face. "What other hanger?" I asked, trying to remember what I had done with the extra one from my perfect little 2 pack. "There's an empty one next to Ethan's stocking, see?" Scott said pointing to it.

Huh! I didn't even realize I had put it there!? "Is that for our baby's stocking?" Scott asked with a sweet smirk on his face. I looked at him with what I'm sure appeared to be 'a dear in head lights' face and began to feel my heart flutter a little. I couldn't think of anything to say. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with emotion, but somehow managed to mumble, "they came in a two pack".

Scott paused for a second, looked back at the empty hanger and said "let's leave it there. Maybe it will bring us a baby next Christmas."

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. "OK" I said with a smile. He gently kissed me on my forehead and headed upstairs to change.

I sat there staring at the empty stocking hanger for what felt like an hour. I contemplated taking it down. I didn't want to be over zealous and start getting ahead of myself, decorating for a baby that we don't even have yet. But something stopped me. A tiny little voice in my head said, "that empty stocking hanger is for our baby. His or her stocking will hang there on Christmas. Maybe not this Christmas, or even next Christmas. But it will hold our baby's stocking alongside the rest of our family's stockings someday."

So I left it there. And it is still hanging there. And it will hang there every Christmas from here on out.

Maybe this was God's way of telling us to keep holding on just a little longer. To keep pressing forward and not to give up hope. Maybe He put that one last 2-pack of hangers behind those snow globes, just for me, to remind me that one day, there will no longer be an empty stocking hanger on our mantel.


                             -------------------------------------


Scott and I have officially started the IVF process. We are scared, excited but hopeful. We will be documenting this process on video and I'll for sure be blogging as much as I can! We hope you will follow us along on this journey! No one should ever have to go through this process alone! We are so grateful for all the love and support we've gotten from our friends, family and even a few new friends who have reached out to graciously share their stories with us! I'm sure there will be lots of laughter and tears along the way, but we hope to walk away with a great story that we will be able to share with our future son or daughter and to show others that with a little faith, love and perseverance, anything is possible!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Thank You For Making Me A Mommy

November is, and has always been, my favorite month. Not just because it’s the month I was born, or  the time of year the leaves miraculously paint a landscape of bright reds, yellows and orange. It’s not because I get to unearth my wooly sweaters from the back of my closet, dust off my fuzzy boots, and sip pumpkin flavored frothy drinks. Don't get me wrong, I do love all of those things,  but there is one day out of the 365 days that pass each year, that has always been my absolute favorite….. Thanksgiving Day. It’s been my favorite holiday since I was a young child. Seriously! It even beat out Christmas and the last day of school! 

At the start of the year, I’d been especially looking forward to Thanksgiving. At that time, just a few short months into our baby making marathon,  I was SURE  we’d have an extra little turkey joining us as we gathered with family around the dinner table. But when January became February, and February turned to March,  I came to the realization we’d have to wait another year before we’d celebrate my favorite holiday with a new family member.

So as you can expect, the last few months, I haven’t been feeling my usual excitement about the upcoming holiday season. To be honest, I haven’t even been feeling all that thankful lately.  It’s no secret that our struggle to get pregnant has been somewhat of a lonely & dark place at times. But I’m lucky to have the support of friends and family who remind me with each passing day, I’m one step closer than I was to having a baby than I was the day before.

A few weekends ago, I celebrated my 29^th birthday.  I wasn't looking forward to being 1 year closer to 30. Happily it turned out to be a great day thanks in part to my amazing co-workers and my sweet, sweet husband.  Scott always manages to find a way to make every birthday more special than the one before. It’s one of the things I love most about him. We also hosted a pre-thanksgiving & birthday celebration at our home with a great group of friends, which really helped lift my spirits and get me back in the turkey day spirit.

After all of the celebrating subsided, I realized how lucky I was and started to think long and hard about what I was thankful for. Even though we didn't get to bring our little turkey home this year, I started to realize I had a lot more to be thankful for this year than many years that have passed. This I owe to my husband. Yes. I know, it sounds corny and I’m sure some will roll their eyes and think “get a room” as they read on, but try to stay with me.

I've found since starting this blog, each time I sit down and let my fingers start to tap the keyboard, I’m slowly tearing down this wall of silence I've been hiding behind for the last year. It has been so therapeutic for me, I’m actually annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner and more often.

So, in the spirit of this week’s holiday, my favorite day, I decided to write down what I’m thankful for. This year it just so happens to be in the form of a letter to my husband, Scott.

Dear Scott,

Where to begin? I suppose I could start this off with a clichéd line of “As I reflect upon the last 8 years we’ve shared together”… but I could pretty much guarantee you would chuckle and know exactly what I was going to say before you even read the rest of this letter. So I’m going to start by saying this….

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful God decided to NOT bless us with a baby this year.

Are you freaking out yet?

Good.

Don’t worry, there’s more…..

I’m thankful He decided this year just wasn't the right year for us, because it put things into perspective for me.

I know I've been an emotional basket case at times over the last year. All I've been thinking about, talking about, and praying about is having a baby.  I’d lost sight of the many amazing things that DID happen to us.

I think back to where we were a year ago. You were working 90+ hours a week at a job that was supposed to be the best opportunity you’d have in your tenured career as an Executive Chef. I watched you fight every morning to gain the strength needed to continue to get up and go to work.  You are by far, the hardest working man I've ever known in my life. The day you decided to leave that job at Jimmy V’s was one of the scariest, but one of the best days of my life. It gave me my husband back.

 Sometimes I forget to tell you how thankful I am to have such a hard working husband. I know I complain a lot about wishing you were home more on weekends and week nights, that I forget to tell how grateful I am that you take so much pride in what you do.

Sometimes I forget to tell you how grateful I am you were the one who encouraged me to complete my Masters degree.  Even though it meant we’d see each other less, and the additional financial burden it brought, you knew it was important to me, and you supported me every step of the way.

Sometimes I forget you tragically lost two of your very best friends within two years of one another. To this day, I admire your strength and efforts to continually celebrate both Jeremy’s and Richie’s lives.

I’m thankful you tell me you love me every night before we fall asleep, and every morning when we wake up.  

But most of all….. more than anything else in this world…..I’m thankful you have given me the most incredible gift a person could ever give.

From the moment he stepped foot into my life, my whole world changed.

Even though I didn’t carry him in my belly for 9 months, he brings more joy to my life than I ever thought possible. He and I share something so special. I am struggling to fight back tears just thinking about it. We share something no one else could ever take from us - a love for you, my husband, and Ethan’s daddy.

So it’s OK we didn't bring home our baby this Thanksgiving, because I’m thankful to be able to celebrate my favorite day of the year with my favorite little blond haired, blue eyed boy.

I’ll end with this. I want to say thank you.

Thank you for making me a Mommy.

You and Ethan are the best thing to ever have happened to me. There aren't enough words in the English language to tell you how much I love him, and how much I love you. I thank God for bringing you both into my life. I can’t imagine a life without either of you in it.

Today, and every day…. I’m thankful that you gave me Ethan.

Politics & Pregnancy

I have been struggling a bit lately with all of the political hype around the elections this week. First and foremost, I want to put something out there before I dive into this post …. I hate politics. Not politicians (per se), I just hate the whole idea of republicans vs. democrats, donkeys vs. elephants, liberal or conservative… however you slice it, serve it up, and tie a pretty red or blue ribbon on it, I can’t stand it. I think it’s because I am not a controversial person. Now, that does not mean that I don’t have my own beliefs and views on what I think is right, I just choose to keep them to myself. This is not about what party I follow or support. Let me make that very clear before I reveal what this post is all about….I want to talk about something that has been on my mind every night since Scott and I have decided that we will be pursuing IVF treatments after the new year. I want to talk about….

Abortion.

Yes. I know, I know. Likely one of the most contentious & highly debatable topics since Roe vs. Wade. But I have to get this off my chest. Again, I want to stress the fact that this is not about whether I’m pro-life or pro-choice. I am purposefully choosing not to disclose my beliefs and views on the act of abortion, but only to share my frustration on why our government funds organizations like the Planned Parenthood but does not mandate insurance coverage for fertility clinics and infertility treatments. According to their latest annual report for 2011-2012, The Planned Parenthood Federation of America said that its affiliated clinics performed 333,964 abortions in fiscal 2011. That works out to an average of one abortion every 94 seconds. The same report states that from 2011 – 2012, Planned Parenthood received $542.4 million in “government health services grants and reimbursements.” Now don’t get me wrong, I realize Planned Parenthood offers a wide variety of other services other than abortion for millions of women AND men who cannot afford necessary healthcare services. But where is the support for couples who are trying to bring babies into this world, not prevent it? I recognize there is SO much more than just ‘offering’ coverage to anyone who wants to have a baby and can’t on their own. It would need to be heavily regulated to prevent wackadoo women like Octomom from abusing the system. I’m merely questioning why our tax dollars aren’t ALSO supporting creating life, not just preventing it.

I had another appointment with our other fertility doctor in a last ditch effort to ensure I had covered all my bases before we hit the go button on starting anymore treatments. After meeting with the doctor, and hearing that there wasn’t much else that we could do at this point other than begin the process of IVF, I immediately went back to my computer and began consulting with my friend Google. He introduced me to “Resolve”, the National Infertility Association. As I paroozed their website, I stumbled across their Family Building Options page and spotted “Insurance Coverage.” I immediately clicked it in the hopes that I had perhaps overlooked the fine print in my insurance policy and there was some hidden clause stating that I would be fully covered and all my worries were about to be washed away. To my dismay, the headline read “Currently, 15 states have passed laws that require insurers to either cover or offer coverage for infertility diagnosis and treatment”. I looked over the list. Again. And again, praying my eyes were playing tricks on my and I had somehow missed North Carolina. I was so focused on trying to find my new home state on the short list that I almost missed it. There it was. MARYLAND. Are you KIDDING me????? Just 18 short months ago…..SIX MONTHS before we started trying, and you’re telling me I would have been covered if I still lived in the state I had called home for 27 years???? I thought my head was going to explode. I could feel that lump in my throat growing larger as I tried to choke back the tears. How is any of this fair, I thought to myself?

That night was the end of all the campaigning and election nonsense. I plopped myself in front of the TV hoping to be distracted by a Bravo re-run, but somehow landed on one of the local news stations. In between segments, the network was flooded with political ads and campaign slogans. Before I quickly changed the channel to avoid the noise, I heard one of the candidates mention abortion and my mind began to wonder. How is it that SOME women (and I truly mean some women, not all) are ‘abusing’ our system and using abortion as a FREE form of birth control and Scott and I have to bare the burden of huge financial expenses just to get pregnant? And I realize I am treading in dangerous waters here, but I am really only referring to the women who are having unprotected sex, and having multiple abortions instead of being responsible and using other forms of birth control to prevent pregnancy.

Again, back to my previous statement. I am NOT saying I believe abortion is right or wrong. I believe it is not my right to judge a women’s decision when I have not been in the position to have to decide whether to keep a baby or not. I only know what I WOULD do if I was faced with that decision, and I feel that it is my right to keep that information to myself. So, again, this is not about the act of abortion. This is my soapbox speech on why there isn’t just as much support for women and loving, able couples who want to bring a child into this world. How can we create a system that offers the same types of funding programs for people who are struggling to conceive on their own?

I will end with this. Nothing is going to stand in our way from bringing our baby home someday. And I mean NOTHING. We aren't going to let the financial aspect of all of this stop us from having a baby. However, wouldn't it be nice if our government was supporting us and others who are trying to bring new life into this world just as much as for those who are trying to prevent it? 

End rant. 

Blissfully Distracted

The past two weeks have been nonstop. Between work, yoga classes, acupuncture appointments, lunches with girlfriends, hockey games, concerts, and dinner dates with friends, Scott and I have been so blissfully distracted that we've almost forgotten about our fertility woes.... almost being the operative word. In the midst of all the craziness, we had another appointment with one of the Fertility Centers we've been working with last week. It went well. I had to have some more tests done to rule out a few wavering concerns I've had for the last week or so.

Scott and I sat in the exam room waiting to meet with the doctor for the ever so pleasant transvaginal ultrasound (sorry to those who are squeamish about the "V" word, but let's be realistic here amigos, every woman's got one). Scott was wonderful as usually and tried to distract me with conversation about work or our plans for the future. We started chatting about how far we've come together in the last eight years. He reminded me how different life was and how our struggles back then seem so minuscule compared to what we're going through now. "I know it's hard to see it now, babe, but we'll probably forget about about all this 10 years from now when we end up with like 4 more kids" he said with a smirk. He has a great way of putting a smile on my face when I'm not feeling super confident.... or when I'm feeling super exposed in those icy cold stirrups. Same difference, right? 

We have faced some difficult times together, that's for sure. But if I've learned one thing from every hurdle life has thrown at us ..... is life goes on. It may not go in the direction you anticipated, and you may hit a ton of speed bumps along the way, but you keep moving forward. For so many years, having a baby just wasn't on our roadmap. And then things changed. I never imagined that if we did decide to have a baby, that it would be this difficult, which makes it that much harder. That's where the guilt and shame sets in. We tried for so long to NOT have a baby, I feel like my body has turned on me, and is punishing me for going against my natural duty as a woman to procreate. 

I know Scott's right. We'll look back at this time in our lives as a mere blip on the radar.There will be many more bumps in the road I'm sure, and many more tears and disappointments. But there will also be lots of laughter, hugs and kisses, and many more tears....the joyful kind! So for now, I'm grateful for all of life's little distractions, they're my tiny blessings in disguise reminding us to keep moving forward. And we'll still be going nonstop as time goes on, only eventually with childbirth classes, pediatrician appointments, playdates at the park, weekend soccer games, and elementary orchestra recitals - a different kind of blissful distractions. 

 Who doesn't love having their picture taken on a doctors table! 

 Ommmmmm..... Namaste

7 needles.... SEVEN in each ear! 

 Canes vs. Sabres

 We love the team at UNC Fertility!

 At the doctors......again!

 Zac Brown Band 

All We Need Is Just A Little Patience

I'm not the best with words, so when Dianne and I decided we'd would start a blog to document our journey about trying to extend our family, I was a little nervous. I don't always say the right thing. I'm sure that's not just a "me" thing, something tells me that's written into most guy's DNA.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last year. I've learned even more about my wife. I knew when I met her, she was my perfect match. We've been through more together in the last eight years than most couples go through in a lifetime. I knew I wanted to marry Dianne the day she met my son, Ethan. She was only 21 years old and still in college. I remember being terrified she was going to tell me one day that it was too hard dating a guy with a kid, but that day never came. Dianne and Ethan had an instant connection. She has loved him from the beginning and treated him like he was her own. What's brought me the most joy, though, is I know how Ethan loves her in return. 

Life doesn't always go as planned. I've learned that the hard way. I made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I promised myself I would never make those same mistakes again. And if there is one thing I've learned from this journey Dianne and I have been on for the last year, is to just have patience. 

I was reminded of that lesson last week when we went the Zac Brown concert. I've never really enjoyed country music, but Dianne has somehow turned me into a fan. I really like Zac Brown Band because they are more of a Rock/Country band . They covered a lot of my favorite bands like Led Zeppelin and Metallica that night. One of their best covers was "Patience" by Guns N' Roses. I haven't heard that song in years.  As the band played, I sang along to the words and realized how much they applied to what Dianne and I are going through right now.

"Said, woman, take it slow

And it'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience

Patience

I sit here on the stairs
Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now I'll wait, dear

Sometimes I get so tense

But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it"

I know one day we'll bring home our baby. I know that. We just need to be patient. Watching Dianne go through this pain and sadness each month has been heartbreaking for me. And I know it's ten times harder on her because she' s the one sacrificing her body with all the medication, painful shots, countless doctors appointments, and sheer exhaustion. All I can do is stand by and be there to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.

My advise to all guys out there...... Go to every appointment. Bring her ice cream if she's having a bad day. Send her flowers just because. And when you can't find the right words to say, just remember to tell her tell her each month, "all we need is just a little patience"

Reproduction Roulette

Scott and I had yet ANOTHER appointment last week with the fertility doctor. This is the second fertility clinic we've seen in the last 2 months. There are a few specialists in Raleigh, and being the control freak I am, I decided we needed to make an appointment with the top two practices in our  area in order to make a decision about which office we'd work with if we do decide to give IVF a shot .... no pun intended.

After our appointment, Scott and I walked out to the parking lot completely silent. I think we were both just soaking up the hour and a half tutorial of how IVF really works. We were both "familiar" with the process, but I don't think we had a clue of what we were getting into. And boy, were we given a run for our money... again.... no pun intended.

When we reached our car, we both looked at each other, waiting for the other one to speak first. "What do you think" I asked. Scott paused for a second. I could tell he was trying to choose his words carefully. "I don't know.... I guess we have a lot to think about." Well, 'duh' I thought to myself, trying not to look irritated. I took a breath. He's right. Maybe we should let everything sink in before we "talk" about how we feel. I wasn't sure if I was happy to have all of this overwhelming information, or sad because I knew what was in store for us emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. I just couldn't make heads or tales of the situation. I honestly didn't know how I felt until later that day. 

I got to my office and immersed myself in work, trying to keep everything I had just heard in a tiny little box, in the back of my mind and clouded by my day's to-do list. I'm very blessed to have a job I absolutely love. I work for a great company with amazing people (particularly an amazing boss). So I was very grateful to have lots to do to keep me busy and distracted.

Later that night, we had dinner with some friends. We talked about IVF and what we learned during our appointment. It wasn't until I heard myself say the words out loud.... "I feel like I'm playing Roulette" that I truly understood what I was feeling. I imagined myself standing in a casino in front of the roulette wheel and someone took my only chip, worth thousands of dollars, and placed it on the table while I stood by watching, helplessly. Where will the ball land? In the one pregnant slot or the 36 other not pregnant slots.  How did I end up in this game? A game that I didn't ask to play. A game that I had little to no control over the outcome.

I'm in no way someone who enjoys gambling. I was raised to save every penny I earn. During my last business trip to Las Vegas, I really struggled putting fifty dollars into a slot machine. The whole idea  I could have put that money towards something more useful, like paying a bill or knowing that it could be gone in a matter of minutes gave me so much anxiety. I quickly switched my focus from actually gambling my own hard earned money to watching others gamble theirs. Much less stressful! I remember watching a few men at the roulette table at the Mirage Casino, and thinking to myself how silly it was to risk losing thousands of dollars all because that little white ball didn't land on their number. I didn't have a clue how the game of roulette actually worked, but in my mind I imagined it as putting your chip on a number on the table and praying the ball lands on the same corresponding number on the spinning roulette wheel. I later learned that it is actually much more complicated and there are so many more components involved then just picking the winning number. 

But back to last week. After we got home from dinner, my mind was still spinning, much like the roulette wheel. I realized, IVF is just like the game of roulette, only in our case, we would be gambling all the money we managed to save since we were married on one spin. How could we possibly gamble with every penny we've tucked away for the last 4 years on one 'game'.

Now, make no mistake, I realize the process of IVF is NOT an actual game. However, I have to be honest, after learning about what is actually involved, it feels like you are literally putting your chances of success in someone else's hands. No matter what the success rates show or what the statistics say, it still feels like your relying completely on luck.

Then it hit me. This is not about luck. This is about faith. This is about patience. And most importantly, this is about trust. I trust God's plan, even though it's hard to understand sometimes, I know he's not finished yet!

To anyone who is about to start the process of IVF, is going through it now, or has been through it, I commend you. I admire your strength and your courage. Nothing prepares you for what IVF does to not only your body, but your mind and your faith. I hope that if this is apart of God's plan for us, we see it through without looking back. 

There is no "I" in Infertility

I hate that word.......Infertility. It sounds like a dirty word you 're taught from an early age not to say out loud. It's a word that has haunted me for the last few months, and still sends a shiver down my spin every time I hear one of my doctors use it during conversation. Lord knows I completely underestimated the true meaning and power of the dreaded "I" word before last year.

I didn't even use the words ovulation, follicle HSG, IUI, IVF or any other crazy acronyms in my vocabulary. It's amazing to me how girls are taught practically from the day they get their first menstrual cycle how to prevent pregnancy. Where are the classes for women who are ready to have a baby on HOW to get pregnant? I, like many girls, started taking birth control (BC) pills at a pretty early age. Because I had a very irregular cycle, I was told by my GYN that BC would help reduce the length and irregularity of period. I certainly didn't hesitate, and happily obliged (I was secretly hoping the pills would help me increase a bra size, too).

I took several variations of BC from age 16 to age 24. Eight straight years. The last two or three years of being on BC, I noticed I was getting more and more headaches, and they were becoming more intense. So Scott and I discussed that I would stop taking the pills after our wedding. I had just assumed it takes at least a year to get pregnant after being on BC for as long as I had been.... at least that's what I read in most women's magazines and heard from "credible sources".

Last year when we decided it was time, I made an appointment with a new GYN. We had only been in North Carolina for 4 months so I needed to find a new doctor and was due for an annual visit anyway. I was excited about the appointment. We chatted a little bit about my health history, and discussed that I should begin taking prenatal vitamins, and start to limit those glasses of wine I sometimes have at dinner. For the most part, she made it seem like this should be a piece of cake. Then she looked down at my chart and said, "You'll need to stop taking your BC at the end of this cycle." Hmmmm. I thought to myself, did I not fill out my paperwork correctly? I cleared my throat a little bit, "Actually, I've been off BC for over 3 years." She paused, looked at my chart again and said, "Well, you're both young and healthy, so we're off to a good start!" I could feel her hesitation. I quickly asked, "Is that something I should be concerned about?" She smiled and with a reassuring voice told me, "Trust me, it's not as easy to make a baby as the girls on Sixteen and Pregnant make it look. But the fact that you've been off the pill for so long and haven't had a "whoopsies" by now is a little unusual". Then she asked the awkward question. "How often would you say you and your husband have intercourse?"

.... I realize that this is a public blog, and my Mother is likely reading this, so I'm a little apprehensive to write this next sentence.....

I could feel myself beginning to blush and responded with a chuckle, "We have a very healthy sex life". She smiled, nodded and made some notes in my file. I gulped realizing that as much as it made me feel good that Scott and I are still "gettin' busy" on the regular, I was beginning to feel her level of confidence drop by the minute.

She then looked up, smiled and said, "Ok. Here's what I'm thinking we should do. Let's go ahead and schedule you to have some tests done. We can actually start today with some blood work to test your AMH, then I'd like you to have an HSG test done to check your tubes. Would your husband be OK with doing a semen analysis?"

I felt my stomach in my throat...... WHOA...... She could see me start to panic a little and went through all the details of each test thoroughly with me. I told her Scott already has a son from his first marriage. She said because he was over the age of 10, she still felt it would be good for him to get checked out.

I left that appointment completely overwhelmed and a little exhausted. I wasn't expecting to have needles stuck in my arms and scheduling an appointment to have dye shot up into my lady parts. But looking back, I'm SO grateful she insisted we did those tests right away.

Fast forward to a few months later, all of our tests were complete. And to our delight, we were both PERFECTLY healthy. My AMH (or my anti-mullerian hormone) levels were normal, which meant I was ovulating - 1st good sign! My HSG tests showed that my tubes were clear (for those of you who are also starting this journey, this test isn't as bad as I had anticipated). And finally, Scott was VERY happy to hear his little swimmers were in fact being produced by the HUNDREDS of millions! :)

So back to that insufferable "I" word. The reason why it irks me so much is because, I am in fact NOT infertile. I have a normal 28 day cycle each month and all my ultrasounds show that I'm producing healthy follicles which means I am ovulating. We have not been able to find any "medical" reason (as of yet) why we're not getting pregnant.

This should be a blessing, right?? Sometimes I feel like it's a curse. I'm a perfectionist. I like to get to the bottom of every problem that crosses my path so I know exactly how to fix it. So this is like torture and a form of cruel and unusual punishment for me. What has been my saving grace though, is talking with other women and couples who have been down this road. Knowing that we're not the only ones who have been stuck in this black hole for the last few months has given me so much peace of mind. So the best advice I can give to anyone who is at this stage in their pursuit to parenthood, and is essentially in the "unknown category" would be this.... Be thankful. So many couples face true infertility struggles from Endometriosis, low sperm count, ovulation disorders, uterine and cervical abnormalities to tube blockages. As frustrating as it is to not have the answer, it is truly a blessing. I honestly believe when God gives you a "No", it's your cue to say "thank you". He is only protecting you from less than His best!

Swimmers .... Take Your Mark, Get Set....GO!

Standing behind the starting block, you climb up on to the cold, wet platform and take your mark. Your heart thumps against your chest waiting to hear the gun go off, so you can dive in head first. I was a swimmer for many years. I remember every meet, that anxious feeling you get before your body hits the icy water. It takes your breath away. You know the distance you have ahead of you before you reach the finish line. You count the seconds with each stroke you take. You gasp for air, desperately trying to pace yourself, while still keeping a safe distance in front of the swimmer in the lane next to you. You can see the end of the pool, and you get a burst of energy knowing you're almost there.

I can only describe the last year of our lives as diving into a pool with no other end in sight. We've been counting the seconds that pass each month, holding our breath, looking for the finish line, where everyone is waiting at the other end, cheering, "Yay! You did it!" We watch as others in the lanes next to us, finally reach their finish line, but our lane still continues on. Month after month. At times it feels as though we are drowning. Literally.

I know our story is not unique. Hundreds of thousands of other couples are swimming in the same pool, desperately trying to reach their happy ending.

So here we are, one year later and we're still swimming, looking for the other end of the pool. Scott and I never imagined our journey to parenthood would be such a marathon swim. Nothing prepares you for the emotions you feel when you see everyone around you announcing they are pregnant. It's almost as though you never noticed pregnant women before! Then all of a sudden, they're everywhere! At the grocery store, at your yoga studio, walking in your neighborhood. Your Facebook feed turns into a thread of pregnancy announcements! You feel every emotion in the book, from jealousy, shame and resentment, to absolute hopelessness.

Scott and I decided after a year of trying on our own, only revealing our little secret to 1 or 2 of our closest friends in recent months, we would open up and try and connect with other couples who have been down this road. Keeping this process a secret was creating more stress and tension for the two of us, we needed an outlet to help us cope to be able to "just keep swimming" as Dori would say.

As a seasoned swimmer, I know we will reach the finish line..... eventually. We might need to try a  few different strokes to get there, but I have faith in God that our pursuit of parenthood is far from over!

My hope is that by sharing our story, we can bring strength and support to other couples out there who are diving in head first.