Reproduction Roulette

Scott and I had yet ANOTHER appointment last week with the fertility doctor. This is the second fertility clinic we've seen in the last 2 months. There are a few specialists in Raleigh, and being the control freak I am, I decided we needed to make an appointment with the top two practices in our  area in order to make a decision about which office we'd work with if we do decide to give IVF a shot .... no pun intended.

After our appointment, Scott and I walked out to the parking lot completely silent. I think we were both just soaking up the hour and a half tutorial of how IVF really works. We were both "familiar" with the process, but I don't think we had a clue of what we were getting into. And boy, were we given a run for our money... again.... no pun intended.

When we reached our car, we both looked at each other, waiting for the other one to speak first. "What do you think" I asked. Scott paused for a second. I could tell he was trying to choose his words carefully. "I don't know.... I guess we have a lot to think about." Well, 'duh' I thought to myself, trying not to look irritated. I took a breath. He's right. Maybe we should let everything sink in before we "talk" about how we feel. I wasn't sure if I was happy to have all of this overwhelming information, or sad because I knew what was in store for us emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. I just couldn't make heads or tales of the situation. I honestly didn't know how I felt until later that day. 

I got to my office and immersed myself in work, trying to keep everything I had just heard in a tiny little box, in the back of my mind and clouded by my day's to-do list. I'm very blessed to have a job I absolutely love. I work for a great company with amazing people (particularly an amazing boss). So I was very grateful to have lots to do to keep me busy and distracted.

Later that night, we had dinner with some friends. We talked about IVF and what we learned during our appointment. It wasn't until I heard myself say the words out loud.... "I feel like I'm playing Roulette" that I truly understood what I was feeling. I imagined myself standing in a casino in front of the roulette wheel and someone took my only chip, worth thousands of dollars, and placed it on the table while I stood by watching, helplessly. Where will the ball land? In the one pregnant slot or the 36 other not pregnant slots.  How did I end up in this game? A game that I didn't ask to play. A game that I had little to no control over the outcome.

I'm in no way someone who enjoys gambling. I was raised to save every penny I earn. During my last business trip to Las Vegas, I really struggled putting fifty dollars into a slot machine. The whole idea  I could have put that money towards something more useful, like paying a bill or knowing that it could be gone in a matter of minutes gave me so much anxiety. I quickly switched my focus from actually gambling my own hard earned money to watching others gamble theirs. Much less stressful! I remember watching a few men at the roulette table at the Mirage Casino, and thinking to myself how silly it was to risk losing thousands of dollars all because that little white ball didn't land on their number. I didn't have a clue how the game of roulette actually worked, but in my mind I imagined it as putting your chip on a number on the table and praying the ball lands on the same corresponding number on the spinning roulette wheel. I later learned that it is actually much more complicated and there are so many more components involved then just picking the winning number. 

But back to last week. After we got home from dinner, my mind was still spinning, much like the roulette wheel. I realized, IVF is just like the game of roulette, only in our case, we would be gambling all the money we managed to save since we were married on one spin. How could we possibly gamble with every penny we've tucked away for the last 4 years on one 'game'.

Now, make no mistake, I realize the process of IVF is NOT an actual game. However, I have to be honest, after learning about what is actually involved, it feels like you are literally putting your chances of success in someone else's hands. No matter what the success rates show or what the statistics say, it still feels like your relying completely on luck.

Then it hit me. This is not about luck. This is about faith. This is about patience. And most importantly, this is about trust. I trust God's plan, even though it's hard to understand sometimes, I know he's not finished yet!

To anyone who is about to start the process of IVF, is going through it now, or has been through it, I commend you. I admire your strength and your courage. Nothing prepares you for what IVF does to not only your body, but your mind and your faith. I hope that if this is apart of God's plan for us, we see it through without looking back.