Thank You For Making Me A Mommy

November is, and has always been, my favorite month. Not just because it’s the month I was born, or  the time of year the leaves miraculously paint a landscape of bright reds, yellows and orange. It’s not because I get to unearth my wooly sweaters from the back of my closet, dust off my fuzzy boots, and sip pumpkin flavored frothy drinks. Don't get me wrong, I do love all of those things,  but there is one day out of the 365 days that pass each year, that has always been my absolute favorite….. Thanksgiving Day. It’s been my favorite holiday since I was a young child. Seriously! It even beat out Christmas and the last day of school! 

At the start of the year, I’d been especially looking forward to Thanksgiving. At that time, just a few short months into our baby making marathon,  I was SURE  we’d have an extra little turkey joining us as we gathered with family around the dinner table. But when January became February, and February turned to March,  I came to the realization we’d have to wait another year before we’d celebrate my favorite holiday with a new family member.

So as you can expect, the last few months, I haven’t been feeling my usual excitement about the upcoming holiday season. To be honest, I haven’t even been feeling all that thankful lately.  It’s no secret that our struggle to get pregnant has been somewhat of a lonely & dark place at times. But I’m lucky to have the support of friends and family who remind me with each passing day, I’m one step closer than I was to having a baby than I was the day before.

A few weekends ago, I celebrated my 29^th birthday.  I wasn't looking forward to being 1 year closer to 30. Happily it turned out to be a great day thanks in part to my amazing co-workers and my sweet, sweet husband.  Scott always manages to find a way to make every birthday more special than the one before. It’s one of the things I love most about him. We also hosted a pre-thanksgiving & birthday celebration at our home with a great group of friends, which really helped lift my spirits and get me back in the turkey day spirit.

After all of the celebrating subsided, I realized how lucky I was and started to think long and hard about what I was thankful for. Even though we didn't get to bring our little turkey home this year, I started to realize I had a lot more to be thankful for this year than many years that have passed. This I owe to my husband. Yes. I know, it sounds corny and I’m sure some will roll their eyes and think “get a room” as they read on, but try to stay with me.

I've found since starting this blog, each time I sit down and let my fingers start to tap the keyboard, I’m slowly tearing down this wall of silence I've been hiding behind for the last year. It has been so therapeutic for me, I’m actually annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner and more often.

So, in the spirit of this week’s holiday, my favorite day, I decided to write down what I’m thankful for. This year it just so happens to be in the form of a letter to my husband, Scott.

Dear Scott,

Where to begin? I suppose I could start this off with a clichéd line of “As I reflect upon the last 8 years we’ve shared together”… but I could pretty much guarantee you would chuckle and know exactly what I was going to say before you even read the rest of this letter. So I’m going to start by saying this….

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful God decided to NOT bless us with a baby this year.

Are you freaking out yet?

Good.

Don’t worry, there’s more…..

I’m thankful He decided this year just wasn't the right year for us, because it put things into perspective for me.

I know I've been an emotional basket case at times over the last year. All I've been thinking about, talking about, and praying about is having a baby.  I’d lost sight of the many amazing things that DID happen to us.

I think back to where we were a year ago. You were working 90+ hours a week at a job that was supposed to be the best opportunity you’d have in your tenured career as an Executive Chef. I watched you fight every morning to gain the strength needed to continue to get up and go to work.  You are by far, the hardest working man I've ever known in my life. The day you decided to leave that job at Jimmy V’s was one of the scariest, but one of the best days of my life. It gave me my husband back.

 Sometimes I forget to tell you how thankful I am to have such a hard working husband. I know I complain a lot about wishing you were home more on weekends and week nights, that I forget to tell how grateful I am that you take so much pride in what you do.

Sometimes I forget to tell you how grateful I am you were the one who encouraged me to complete my Masters degree.  Even though it meant we’d see each other less, and the additional financial burden it brought, you knew it was important to me, and you supported me every step of the way.

Sometimes I forget you tragically lost two of your very best friends within two years of one another. To this day, I admire your strength and efforts to continually celebrate both Jeremy’s and Richie’s lives.

I’m thankful you tell me you love me every night before we fall asleep, and every morning when we wake up.  

But most of all….. more than anything else in this world…..I’m thankful you have given me the most incredible gift a person could ever give.

From the moment he stepped foot into my life, my whole world changed.

Even though I didn’t carry him in my belly for 9 months, he brings more joy to my life than I ever thought possible. He and I share something so special. I am struggling to fight back tears just thinking about it. We share something no one else could ever take from us - a love for you, my husband, and Ethan’s daddy.

So it’s OK we didn't bring home our baby this Thanksgiving, because I’m thankful to be able to celebrate my favorite day of the year with my favorite little blond haired, blue eyed boy.

I’ll end with this. I want to say thank you.

Thank you for making me a Mommy.

You and Ethan are the best thing to ever have happened to me. There aren't enough words in the English language to tell you how much I love him, and how much I love you. I thank God for bringing you both into my life. I can’t imagine a life without either of you in it.

Today, and every day…. I’m thankful that you gave me Ethan.