Blissfully Distracted

The past two weeks have been nonstop. Between work, yoga classes, acupuncture appointments, lunches with girlfriends, hockey games, concerts, and dinner dates with friends, Scott and I have been so blissfully distracted that we've almost forgotten about our fertility woes.... almost being the operative word. In the midst of all the craziness, we had another appointment with one of the Fertility Centers we've been working with last week. It went well. I had to have some more tests done to rule out a few wavering concerns I've had for the last week or so.

Scott and I sat in the exam room waiting to meet with the doctor for the ever so pleasant transvaginal ultrasound (sorry to those who are squeamish about the "V" word, but let's be realistic here amigos, every woman's got one). Scott was wonderful as usually and tried to distract me with conversation about work or our plans for the future. We started chatting about how far we've come together in the last eight years. He reminded me how different life was and how our struggles back then seem so minuscule compared to what we're going through now. "I know it's hard to see it now, babe, but we'll probably forget about about all this 10 years from now when we end up with like 4 more kids" he said with a smirk. He has a great way of putting a smile on my face when I'm not feeling super confident.... or when I'm feeling super exposed in those icy cold stirrups. Same difference, right? 

We have faced some difficult times together, that's for sure. But if I've learned one thing from every hurdle life has thrown at us ..... is life goes on. It may not go in the direction you anticipated, and you may hit a ton of speed bumps along the way, but you keep moving forward. For so many years, having a baby just wasn't on our roadmap. And then things changed. I never imagined that if we did decide to have a baby, that it would be this difficult, which makes it that much harder. That's where the guilt and shame sets in. We tried for so long to NOT have a baby, I feel like my body has turned on me, and is punishing me for going against my natural duty as a woman to procreate. 

I know Scott's right. We'll look back at this time in our lives as a mere blip on the radar.There will be many more bumps in the road I'm sure, and many more tears and disappointments. But there will also be lots of laughter, hugs and kisses, and many more tears....the joyful kind! So for now, I'm grateful for all of life's little distractions, they're my tiny blessings in disguise reminding us to keep moving forward. And we'll still be going nonstop as time goes on, only eventually with childbirth classes, pediatrician appointments, playdates at the park, weekend soccer games, and elementary orchestra recitals - a different kind of blissful distractions. 

 Who doesn't love having their picture taken on a doctors table! 

 Ommmmmm..... Namaste

7 needles.... SEVEN in each ear! 

 Canes vs. Sabres

 We love the team at UNC Fertility!

 At the doctors......again!

 Zac Brown Band 

All We Need Is Just A Little Patience

I'm not the best with words, so when Dianne and I decided we'd would start a blog to document our journey about trying to extend our family, I was a little nervous. I don't always say the right thing. I'm sure that's not just a "me" thing, something tells me that's written into most guy's DNA.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last year. I've learned even more about my wife. I knew when I met her, she was my perfect match. We've been through more together in the last eight years than most couples go through in a lifetime. I knew I wanted to marry Dianne the day she met my son, Ethan. She was only 21 years old and still in college. I remember being terrified she was going to tell me one day that it was too hard dating a guy with a kid, but that day never came. Dianne and Ethan had an instant connection. She has loved him from the beginning and treated him like he was her own. What's brought me the most joy, though, is I know how Ethan loves her in return. 

Life doesn't always go as planned. I've learned that the hard way. I made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I promised myself I would never make those same mistakes again. And if there is one thing I've learned from this journey Dianne and I have been on for the last year, is to just have patience. 

I was reminded of that lesson last week when we went the Zac Brown concert. I've never really enjoyed country music, but Dianne has somehow turned me into a fan. I really like Zac Brown Band because they are more of a Rock/Country band . They covered a lot of my favorite bands like Led Zeppelin and Metallica that night. One of their best covers was "Patience" by Guns N' Roses. I haven't heard that song in years.  As the band played, I sang along to the words and realized how much they applied to what Dianne and I are going through right now.

"Said, woman, take it slow

And it'll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said, sugar, make it slow
And we'll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience

Patience

I sit here on the stairs
Cause I'd rather be alone
If I can't have you right now I'll wait, dear

Sometimes I get so tense

But I can't speed up the time
But you know, love, there's one more thing to consider

Said, woman, take it slow
And things will be just fine
You and I'll just use a little patience
Said, sugar, take the time
'Cause the lights are shining bright
You and I've got what it takes to make it"

I know one day we'll bring home our baby. I know that. We just need to be patient. Watching Dianne go through this pain and sadness each month has been heartbreaking for me. And I know it's ten times harder on her because she' s the one sacrificing her body with all the medication, painful shots, countless doctors appointments, and sheer exhaustion. All I can do is stand by and be there to hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.

My advise to all guys out there...... Go to every appointment. Bring her ice cream if she's having a bad day. Send her flowers just because. And when you can't find the right words to say, just remember to tell her tell her each month, "all we need is just a little patience"

Reproduction Roulette

Scott and I had yet ANOTHER appointment last week with the fertility doctor. This is the second fertility clinic we've seen in the last 2 months. There are a few specialists in Raleigh, and being the control freak I am, I decided we needed to make an appointment with the top two practices in our  area in order to make a decision about which office we'd work with if we do decide to give IVF a shot .... no pun intended.

After our appointment, Scott and I walked out to the parking lot completely silent. I think we were both just soaking up the hour and a half tutorial of how IVF really works. We were both "familiar" with the process, but I don't think we had a clue of what we were getting into. And boy, were we given a run for our money... again.... no pun intended.

When we reached our car, we both looked at each other, waiting for the other one to speak first. "What do you think" I asked. Scott paused for a second. I could tell he was trying to choose his words carefully. "I don't know.... I guess we have a lot to think about." Well, 'duh' I thought to myself, trying not to look irritated. I took a breath. He's right. Maybe we should let everything sink in before we "talk" about how we feel. I wasn't sure if I was happy to have all of this overwhelming information, or sad because I knew what was in store for us emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. I just couldn't make heads or tales of the situation. I honestly didn't know how I felt until later that day. 

I got to my office and immersed myself in work, trying to keep everything I had just heard in a tiny little box, in the back of my mind and clouded by my day's to-do list. I'm very blessed to have a job I absolutely love. I work for a great company with amazing people (particularly an amazing boss). So I was very grateful to have lots to do to keep me busy and distracted.

Later that night, we had dinner with some friends. We talked about IVF and what we learned during our appointment. It wasn't until I heard myself say the words out loud.... "I feel like I'm playing Roulette" that I truly understood what I was feeling. I imagined myself standing in a casino in front of the roulette wheel and someone took my only chip, worth thousands of dollars, and placed it on the table while I stood by watching, helplessly. Where will the ball land? In the one pregnant slot or the 36 other not pregnant slots.  How did I end up in this game? A game that I didn't ask to play. A game that I had little to no control over the outcome.

I'm in no way someone who enjoys gambling. I was raised to save every penny I earn. During my last business trip to Las Vegas, I really struggled putting fifty dollars into a slot machine. The whole idea  I could have put that money towards something more useful, like paying a bill or knowing that it could be gone in a matter of minutes gave me so much anxiety. I quickly switched my focus from actually gambling my own hard earned money to watching others gamble theirs. Much less stressful! I remember watching a few men at the roulette table at the Mirage Casino, and thinking to myself how silly it was to risk losing thousands of dollars all because that little white ball didn't land on their number. I didn't have a clue how the game of roulette actually worked, but in my mind I imagined it as putting your chip on a number on the table and praying the ball lands on the same corresponding number on the spinning roulette wheel. I later learned that it is actually much more complicated and there are so many more components involved then just picking the winning number. 

But back to last week. After we got home from dinner, my mind was still spinning, much like the roulette wheel. I realized, IVF is just like the game of roulette, only in our case, we would be gambling all the money we managed to save since we were married on one spin. How could we possibly gamble with every penny we've tucked away for the last 4 years on one 'game'.

Now, make no mistake, I realize the process of IVF is NOT an actual game. However, I have to be honest, after learning about what is actually involved, it feels like you are literally putting your chances of success in someone else's hands. No matter what the success rates show or what the statistics say, it still feels like your relying completely on luck.

Then it hit me. This is not about luck. This is about faith. This is about patience. And most importantly, this is about trust. I trust God's plan, even though it's hard to understand sometimes, I know he's not finished yet!

To anyone who is about to start the process of IVF, is going through it now, or has been through it, I commend you. I admire your strength and your courage. Nothing prepares you for what IVF does to not only your body, but your mind and your faith. I hope that if this is apart of God's plan for us, we see it through without looking back. 

There is no "I" in Infertility

I hate that word.......Infertility. It sounds like a dirty word you 're taught from an early age not to say out loud. It's a word that has haunted me for the last few months, and still sends a shiver down my spin every time I hear one of my doctors use it during conversation. Lord knows I completely underestimated the true meaning and power of the dreaded "I" word before last year.

I didn't even use the words ovulation, follicle HSG, IUI, IVF or any other crazy acronyms in my vocabulary. It's amazing to me how girls are taught practically from the day they get their first menstrual cycle how to prevent pregnancy. Where are the classes for women who are ready to have a baby on HOW to get pregnant? I, like many girls, started taking birth control (BC) pills at a pretty early age. Because I had a very irregular cycle, I was told by my GYN that BC would help reduce the length and irregularity of period. I certainly didn't hesitate, and happily obliged (I was secretly hoping the pills would help me increase a bra size, too).

I took several variations of BC from age 16 to age 24. Eight straight years. The last two or three years of being on BC, I noticed I was getting more and more headaches, and they were becoming more intense. So Scott and I discussed that I would stop taking the pills after our wedding. I had just assumed it takes at least a year to get pregnant after being on BC for as long as I had been.... at least that's what I read in most women's magazines and heard from "credible sources".

Last year when we decided it was time, I made an appointment with a new GYN. We had only been in North Carolina for 4 months so I needed to find a new doctor and was due for an annual visit anyway. I was excited about the appointment. We chatted a little bit about my health history, and discussed that I should begin taking prenatal vitamins, and start to limit those glasses of wine I sometimes have at dinner. For the most part, she made it seem like this should be a piece of cake. Then she looked down at my chart and said, "You'll need to stop taking your BC at the end of this cycle." Hmmmm. I thought to myself, did I not fill out my paperwork correctly? I cleared my throat a little bit, "Actually, I've been off BC for over 3 years." She paused, looked at my chart again and said, "Well, you're both young and healthy, so we're off to a good start!" I could feel her hesitation. I quickly asked, "Is that something I should be concerned about?" She smiled and with a reassuring voice told me, "Trust me, it's not as easy to make a baby as the girls on Sixteen and Pregnant make it look. But the fact that you've been off the pill for so long and haven't had a "whoopsies" by now is a little unusual". Then she asked the awkward question. "How often would you say you and your husband have intercourse?"

.... I realize that this is a public blog, and my Mother is likely reading this, so I'm a little apprehensive to write this next sentence.....

I could feel myself beginning to blush and responded with a chuckle, "We have a very healthy sex life". She smiled, nodded and made some notes in my file. I gulped realizing that as much as it made me feel good that Scott and I are still "gettin' busy" on the regular, I was beginning to feel her level of confidence drop by the minute.

She then looked up, smiled and said, "Ok. Here's what I'm thinking we should do. Let's go ahead and schedule you to have some tests done. We can actually start today with some blood work to test your AMH, then I'd like you to have an HSG test done to check your tubes. Would your husband be OK with doing a semen analysis?"

I felt my stomach in my throat...... WHOA...... She could see me start to panic a little and went through all the details of each test thoroughly with me. I told her Scott already has a son from his first marriage. She said because he was over the age of 10, she still felt it would be good for him to get checked out.

I left that appointment completely overwhelmed and a little exhausted. I wasn't expecting to have needles stuck in my arms and scheduling an appointment to have dye shot up into my lady parts. But looking back, I'm SO grateful she insisted we did those tests right away.

Fast forward to a few months later, all of our tests were complete. And to our delight, we were both PERFECTLY healthy. My AMH (or my anti-mullerian hormone) levels were normal, which meant I was ovulating - 1st good sign! My HSG tests showed that my tubes were clear (for those of you who are also starting this journey, this test isn't as bad as I had anticipated). And finally, Scott was VERY happy to hear his little swimmers were in fact being produced by the HUNDREDS of millions! :)

So back to that insufferable "I" word. The reason why it irks me so much is because, I am in fact NOT infertile. I have a normal 28 day cycle each month and all my ultrasounds show that I'm producing healthy follicles which means I am ovulating. We have not been able to find any "medical" reason (as of yet) why we're not getting pregnant.

This should be a blessing, right?? Sometimes I feel like it's a curse. I'm a perfectionist. I like to get to the bottom of every problem that crosses my path so I know exactly how to fix it. So this is like torture and a form of cruel and unusual punishment for me. What has been my saving grace though, is talking with other women and couples who have been down this road. Knowing that we're not the only ones who have been stuck in this black hole for the last few months has given me so much peace of mind. So the best advice I can give to anyone who is at this stage in their pursuit to parenthood, and is essentially in the "unknown category" would be this.... Be thankful. So many couples face true infertility struggles from Endometriosis, low sperm count, ovulation disorders, uterine and cervical abnormalities to tube blockages. As frustrating as it is to not have the answer, it is truly a blessing. I honestly believe when God gives you a "No", it's your cue to say "thank you". He is only protecting you from less than His best!