We Laughed Until We Cried....

WE'RE PREGNANT!!! Surely it would have sunk in by now right?

No....I'm still in shock.

I have to actively remind myself that I'm pregnant when I wake up in the morning. Not that the feeling of I'm about to toss my cookies every time I brush my teeth in the morning doesn't remind me! And I am NOT complaining - I would barf everyday all day if that's what it took! This feeling is so surreal, it's so incredible, it's so........ how the heck did this happen!??!!

I wanted to wait to post this blog until today because it has a very special meaning for Scott and I. Today is our five year wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe sometimes. I realize today how lucky I am to call Scott my husband. He truly is my partner in every sense of the word. And he has certainly proved that more so in the last few weeks. We have certainly come a long way in five years and I'm thrilled to be able to celebrate today, not just as our anniversary, but today we are 8 weeks pregnant! I have taken each day as a blessing since the day we found out we were pregnant!

It was Wednesday, July 15th at 6:35 am. The night before was spent at our house with a group of girlfriends, watching the previous night's episode of the Bachelorette, our weekly ritual. There was pizza and wine, lots of laughs and a feeling of peace for me. That day (July 14th) we had selected our 3 egg donor candidates. We had paroozed the donor website for a few days and selected a few of our favorites and narrowed it down to 3 candidates. We were confident in our decision and planned to wait until the end of the week to let our donor coordinator know, which of the 3 we would choose.

During the weeks leading up to our selection process, Scott and I had decided that it was time to start a new routine. We were going to start over, accept the path that God had led us down and we were going to enjoy every second of it..... and that's just what we did. Scott had started a new job that had opened up a whole new world to us. Mostly just because he was around more, but also we were able to spend time together doing things that we seldom had the time to do together for the last few years. We were able to spend weekends together working on projects around the house, we put together our new morning work-out routine, created a meal plan, had dinner together every night, and we were able to spend time with our friends... together!!! Ethan arrived for the summer and things were starting to feel like they were falling into place, like they were always meant to be. I had let go of so much of the stress I had been carrying around from the last two years trying to get pregnant and constantly being disappointed. Starting our puzzle fundraiser also brought me so much hope to know that it was still possible for us to move forward with the next steps.

So in a sense, we truly had let go.We let go of our stress, let go of our fear, and let go of all the  pressures that came with tracking every cycle day, every pill, every shot, and every bill!

So... back to July 15th. I woke up that morning with something on my mind. I was late. I had been late before. After months of hormones coupled with stress and lack of sleep, being late was not foreign to me. Ever since we began this process I had gone from a regular 28 day cycle to a 30-36 day cycle, and it was never the same month to month. The months that pushed to the 36 day mark I would usually take a pregnancy test just in case, and sure enough, it was negative every time. I had even taken a test the week before we found out (which was day 36) and it was negative. So when I had reached day 42, I knew something was wrong. I was worried that my previous months IVF cycle had somehow messed up my cycle and perhaps there was something medically wrong that was preventing me from getting my period? Maybe it was that I had been working out so much? Maybe it was because I had started getting more sleep? Maybe my body was just trying to get back on track since I had stopped all my medication? So I had planned to call my doctor that morning to make an appointment, surely I wasn't pregnant because it was completely impossible AND I had taken a test the week prior and it was negative as it had always been? But I decided to take another anyway, just to be 100% sure before I call my doctor.  In order to save some money I had bought a bulk pack of strip pregnancy test many months prior (like the ones they use at your doctors office where they make you pee in a cup and then they dip the strip in the cup .... you get the picture). Now mind you it was 6:30 in the morning, and I was still half asleep. Well I didn't have a cup in our bathroom and I was too lazy to go downstairs to get one so I decided to just pee on the strip. Gross. I know, and maybe this is TMI but honestly, I have lost my sense for any sort of filter in this process. So I stare at the strip waiting to see the one line show up (which represents a negative result) but nothing happens. No lines show up. "Great", I think to myself, I got a defected strip or I just didn't get enough pee on it. So I just set it on the bathroom counter next to the sink and just decide to call the doctor when they open at 8 and it wasn't worth seeing the negative test anyway. I hop in the shower and start getting ready for the day. A good 20 minutes go by, and I honestly forgot about the test. I began drying my hair, and putting on my make up when something catches my eye. I see the strip sitting on the ledge of the sink and I think eww I should probably throw that away. But wait a minute.... why are there two lines on the test?


Wait for it.....



I SCREAMED, "SCCOOOOTTTTTTTT"

He stampedes up the stairs yelling "What??? What's wrong??? Babe?? What's wrong??"

I'm standing in the bathroom (frozen like a dear in headlights), in my robe with half of my hair dried and concealer all over my face. I just point at the counter. "What?? What??" He screams, thinking I'm pointing at a bug for him squash!

I simply point and say "Look on the counter". His eyes make it over to the test and immediately get wide with shock. He looks at me, then looks back at the test. Then looks back and me and says, "Oh my God, no way. Are you pregnant?" I couldn't speak. My mouth became dry, my eyes filled with tears and I dropped to my knees. "I don't know, I don't know! I think I peed on the stick wrong!!!!"

He laughs and wraps his arms around me, "babe, hug me, hug me, stand up!!"

My legs were jello. I was crying hysterically and laughing all at the same time. We hugged for what felt like eternity. I couldn't process a thought. This had to be a dream. We laughed until we cried.

That morning still gives me butterflies. I called our doctors office at 8:00:01 on the dot. She immediately agreed to see me as she is very aware of our situation for the last few months. They took another urine test which came back positive and then took a blood test to check my HCG levels. When they called me later that day with the results I cried. I still couldn't believe it.

The next few days were a whirlwind! I remember waking up the next morning making Scott tell me over and over that this wasn't a dream. We had experienced a miracle! I would have moments where I would stop and think to myself, this was impossible, why now, after all that, how did this happen? And I know now God had a plan all along - I would sigh every time I would hear, "everything happens for a reason, you just have to be patient". Looking back, I now see His plan. Scott is in a better place in his career. He's a new man. He has learned how to live life outside of the kitchen and I've never seen him happier. We have also always worried how when the time came, what we would say to Ethan when we found out we were pregnant. We wanted to be sure he was the first to know, and that he felt included in as much of the process as possible. So to have him here to experience that day with us was the best gift we could have been given. And to know that we were just days away from selecting our egg donor.... God was telling us, "Not yet. I still have plans for you." My heart is so grateful for EVERY prayer. Every person who kept us in their thoughts, thank you from the bottom of our hearts! And to those who donated to our fundraiser, I can't even begin to express our appreciation. We have a little something special coming to you in the mail soon (and please let us know if you have not received confirmation on your refund).

And to the man who has been there with me through it all. Scott, these last five years have taught me so much. Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of love, respect, patience, and kindness. Thank you for making it easy when life got hard. And thank you for never giving up on us. I can't wait to write this next chapter in our story with you!

The Prayer Puzzle

After our last failed IVF cycle, Scott and I prayed for weeks, searching for answers on where we go from here. We had a lot of reassurance from our doctor that we could still get pregnant using my eggs, it all came down to how much we could handle emotionally, physically and financially.

Not having insurance coverage to help us pay for the treatments and drugs we need to help us get pregnant has been incredibly difficult and has limited us in what we are able to do going forward. We've spent upwards of $25,000 since starting this whole process. We've been incredibly blessed to have family help us along the way, and an incredible team of doctors who have been willing to work with us financially to pay off our treatments each month.

After many weeks of tears, prayers and a lot of soul searching, Scott and I have decided to move to an egg donor. Our doctor told us it would boost our chances of getting pregnant by almost 60%.

What a great statistic, right?

I have to be honest and say we didn't come to this decision easily. I couldn't seem to get over the fact of never having my own biological child. Never hearing someone say "Your daughter has your eyes" or "Your son has your smile". I kept thinking back to my childhood when people would tell me "you look just like your Mom". It gave me a huge sense of security as a child. It's hard to explain, but I feared my child would want that same sense of security and attachment.

I called my Mom in tears one night, after trying to picture myself having to tell someone that my child didn't actually have the same hair or eyes as me - then having to explain that my husband and I had used an egg donor with similar physical features as me. How awkward of a conversation would that be? Would I have to tell my child that I wasn't really their Mother? That I just carried them in my belly for nine months? Would they want to meet their "egg mother" someday?

She stopped me and said, "Dianne, even if that child doesn't have your eyes, or the same color hair, he or she is still yours....100%. What's more important - passing along physical traits to your child or teaching them to be a good person. Showing them how to be kind and compassionate. You're going to supply that baby with nutrients for 9 months. They will be your baby, even if you don't look a like"

I took a deep breath and realized how lucky I was to have a Mother to teach me how to love and the true meaning of "Motherhood".

So we are ready to move forward in our pursuit to Baby Chatterton! But we need your help!
We've started a fundraiser to help us move forward with the egg donor process.

I realize many people may not agree with our decision to seek help from a fundraiser. But I can assure you, this is the only way we know how to fight through this journey. I know most will never understand what infertility truly feels like, and to be honest, I hope no one ever will - I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Infertility is a disease. And for some there is no cure - especially those without the necessary insurance coverage to help pay for drugs and treatment. 

We hope you'll visit our page and help us bring home the missing piece to our hearts. 

Click below to view our page

Baby Chatterton's Prayer Puzzle

A Letter To Our Embryos

My Dearest Little Ones,

You came into our world just 3 and a half short weeks ago. I have thought about you every single moment that has passed since then. You are two little miracles that represent your Daddy and I - I will cherish and remember you for the rest of my life. From the moment we saw you for the first time, we loved you instantly. Two little cells, genetically blended together with love and equal parts from your Dad and I. I cried the day they placed you back inside my belly. I know it seems impossible, but I felt you in there. I felt life and new beginnings.

I want you to know, I fought for you. We searched for you for the last year and a half. It all started when we decided we were ready to grow our family. We prayed for you month after month. Your Daddy and I said we would enjoy the journey and if the timing was right, you would show up on one of the gazillion home pregnancy tests we'd take as each month passed. We did everything we could to bring you home. We changed our diet, we got more sleep, we took lots of walks, I checked my temperature every morning, cut back my caffeine and alcohol, and even stood on my head a few times......When you didn't come, we decided to see a doctor to help us find you. 

At times I felt like we were searching for you like trying to find a needle in a hay stack, as they say. I started to take lots of pills to help you grow. But we still couldn't find you. So we emptied our savings account, and with lots of help from your grandparents, we decided it was time to go in and search for you. First came the shots in my belly. They were painful at times, but every time I poked myself with one of those needles, my tummy would flip at the thought of being one step closer to finding you. 

I would go and see our doctor every few days, they would draw my blood and look for you on the ultrasound machine. The day came where the doctors were going to put me to sleep and take you out of my belly, when you were just a tiny cell, completely invisible to the naked eye. But unfortunately, you weren't there. You were no where to be found. And we were heartbroken. I cried for many days wondering where you were and when we would finally know that you were on your way. 

Your Daddy and I took some time to rest. We reconnected and re-evaluated and were blessed to find a new doctor who is committed to helping us bring you home. We began taking lots of medicine to get Mommy healthy. We were given a whole new regiment of shots and we started our search for you once more. This time was different. I just felt we were going to find you somehow. After 40 shots in my belly over 8 days,  lots of ultrasounds and blood draws, it was time to go in and search for you again. We traveled over 800 miles to meet our new team of doctors and nurses who have been anxiously awaiting to help us find for you. And by the grace of God, we did! See your very first picture - (#2 and #6)!

We waited 3 days after they retrieved you from my tummy (when you were just tiny eggs) before they carefully placed you back inside my uterine cavity. We prayed that you would get cozy and settle in for the next 9 months. This is a picture of Mommy and her friend Tiffany right after you got settled back in my belly. She is the reason we were able to find you!

For the next 2 weeks, we prayed harder than ever. I ate lots of "sticky" foods to help you hang on. My diet was mostly pineapple core, eggs, avocado, brazil nuts, decaf green tea and pomegranate juice. I kept wooly socks on my feet at all times (even at my desk when I returned to work) to help keep you warm, and I rested as much as I could. I stayed at your Neena and Poppy's for a few days during those two weeks. Your Neena and Poppy took such good care of me. Neena was there to see you the day they took you out of my belly and the day they put you back. She even gave me my very first progesterone shot in my behind! So many people went out of their way to help make sure you were settling in comfortably. Daddy even traveled through the night to be there for your retrieval day, and took a 6 hour train ride to Washington DC just to drive Mommy back home to North Carolina so I wouldn't have to drive those 5 hours by myself.

The next few days were tough but my heart was overflowing with joy just thinking about you. Daddy kissed my belly each night and told you how much he loved you. We were anxious to know how you were doing. Daddy gave me my shots for the next few days to help you stay strong. They were a little scary, but totally worth it!

 

We got lots of phone calls, texts, prayers, well wishes and happy thoughts from so many people who have been rooting for you for so long now. The day finally came when we would find out if you were still there, growing inside my tummy. When the phone rang, my heart stopped. I prayed one last prayer and answered my phone. In a very somber tone, our doctors voice said, "I'm so sorry Dianne, but I don't have good news for you and Scott". My heart sank and my eyes filled up with tears. How could this be?

Daddy and I sat in our living room and cried together for you both. Over the next few days, many people reached out to express their sadness when they heard the news. Even though we lost you, you brought us so much joy during those two weeks - you represent a permanent stamp on our hearts. Two little bundles of cells bonded together by love, hope and the determination of two people who loved you before you were even created.

                                                                                                           

We will continue to fight for you Baby! Even if that means we don't share the same genes, you are still 100% a product of your Daddy and I. We will love you just the same. You already have a big brother waiting for you, who is going to love you, just the same too. He is going to take such good care of you, because he is already an amazing big brother. He and I may not share the same DNA but I love him the same way I will love you, unconditionally and with every ounce of my being.

This is my vow to you. I will love you, no matter how or when you decide to get here. You are ours, forever and always.

<3 Mommy

Forgiving My Broken Body

I have had over 100 needles injected into my body over the last 6+ months. Some I've administered myself into my abdomen subcutaneously, leaving tennis ball sized bruises around my belly button. Some have been with 2 inch needles that my poor husband had to insert intramuscularly into my upper butt cheek like a dart making it almost impossible to wear pants that put any sort of pressure or tension around my waistline. I've given probably over a quart of my own blood during routine exams every other day for weeks at a time. I've had to endure more vaginal ultrasounds and vaginal suppositories than I care to think about, and I've lost track of how many pills I've swallowed - probably over 500 if I'm doing my math right. Battling sheer exhaustion, hormones sending me into fits of uncontrollable tears, headaches, bloating and 10 extra lbs later....... we are still not pregnant.

Our little embryos did not survive and we are truly heartbroken.

And yet I cannot help but smile through my tears when I think about how far we've come since January. It's important to me to celebrate these last two weeks that I got to carry around our two little embryos. They are perfect blueprints of Scott and I coming together to form a life. What an amazing gift we have been given to come this far.

I have struggled for many months now coming to terms with the fact that as a woman, my body has not been able to do what it's naturally supposed to do - create life. I see so many women around me growing a little person inside their bellies and can't help but feel envious. I have faith that one day, that will be me, unfortunately, just not this time. I've had my share of disappointments in life. And I've always been told, learning to forgive the people that let you down helps you move on. Today, I have decided to forgive myself, and to forgive my body. It may not be perfect, and it may be broken, but my spirit is not. I refuse to give up this fight. I did everything in my power I could, and I'm going to continue to do everything I can for as long as it takes, whatever it takes.

Chapter two comes to a close with lots of tears and heartache. However, I am at peace and feel extremely blessed to have been able to come this far. We will continue to grieve this loss, but will celebrate the amazing gift we have received from this journey. I have never felt so much love and support from friends, family, those I have lost touch with over the years and even people who I've never met before. Your support and well wishes along the way have kept me going. For this, I am forever grateful.  We begin chapter three in faith and love. I will forever cherish the friendships I have made along the way, the respect and admiration that has grown between Scott and I and the love I have felt from so many who have supported us with prayers and well wishes. I'm not sure we would be where we are today if we had tried to survive this journey alone. I sometimes harbor guilt just for feeling like I've let all the people down who have been cheering for us for so many months. But know that we are never going to give up. As the saying goes, "When God closes a door,  somewhere he opens a window"

How Infertility Changed My Marriage

Infertility has changed my life forever. A few years back, if I heard about friends of ours or other couples who were struggling to get pregnant before Scott and I ever even thought about wanting a baby, I remember thinking to myself 'that sucks they should just do IVF or adopt' - like it was a simple solution. DUH!

Well, as you can imagine, I often wish I could travel back in time and smack my 'then' self in the face. I was absolutely clueless. And honestly, I think most people are clueless when it comes to infertility. A word of advise for those who have not been affected by infertility: Don't automatically assume because someone is struggling to get pregnant the obvious solution is to adopt or to try IVF. IVF isn't something you can just "try". It's expensive, it's invasive, and it's exhausting - especially for those without the proper insurance coverage. Adoption is also not a simple solution to infertility. It's even more expensive than IVF and for some couples, it's the experience of the pregnancy and the bond you build during those 9 months that's as equally important as the idea of a lifetime of happiness raising a child.  Those who have not experienced first hand what it's like to try to have a baby and aren't successful in the first few months truly do not understand what it does to your mind, your body, your faith, your confidence, and more than anything.... your marriage.

Scott and I have had our fair share of ups and downs. What couple hasn't? I'm certainly not going to sit here and try to paint some picture that we've had a perfect marriage, or a perfect relationship for that matter. I do believe the obstacles we've faced together over the last 9 years have brought us closer in many ways. But nothing prepared us for the heartache infertility has brought into our lives. It has changed us both into completely different people.

The only way I can describe what infertility feels like to those who have not walked in our shoes is to try and imagine a life without your children in it. I live that reality everyday. However, my story is a little different. God blessed me when He brought an amazing little boy into my life 9 years ago. My whole world has been changed for the better because of him. I say it often, but I honestly can't imagine my life without Ethan in it. So I hold a special place in my heart for all the women (and couples) I've had the privilege of meeting on this journey who have not yet brought their baby home. Ethan brings so much joy and meaning to my life, so my heart truly aches for those couples who are still trying to reach their dream of having a baby.

When we decided to try and expand our family back in 2013, I knew a lot of things were going to change. And when we realized a few months in that this wasn't going to be as easy as we had hoped, I feared Scott and I were headed for dark days filled with anger, resentment and blame.

It has taken me until now to see the silver lining in this journey God has taken us on. Instead of tearing us apart, all the heartache, disappointment, and tears have somehow brought us closer than ever. Our appreciation for the little things in life and for one another has grown immensely. Every hug, every kiss and every "I love you" has a whole new meaning. Somehow, what has by far been the saddest and most difficult time in our life has also become one of the happiest. I have learned not to take a single thing for granted, especially the very limited time I do have with my husband.

Scott works in the hospitality business. It's a super high-stress level work environment (more stressful than most industries). Whoever thought of portraying this whole 'foodie' trend and the life of a Chef as glamorous and as fun as they make it look on Anthony Bourdains "No Reservations" is a moron...... Seriously...... Any Chef will tell you - most people are just not cut out for it, and wouldn't survive a day in my husband's shoes. But Scott is dedicated, hard working, and passionate about what he does. But trying to start a family, and working in this business is not easy. Try coming home after working on your feet for 16 hours to your wife saying "Honey, I'm ovulating! Time to get busy!" Yea. Not exactly what you'd call romantic. But Scott has been a trooper and always put on a smile, no matter how exhausted he was. He schedules his days off to be with me at my appointments instead of playing golf. He wakes up with the dogs when he knows I haven't had a good night sleep because all of the medication keeps me up at night. He's made it to every appointment, been there for every shot, and wiped away all the tears every month I get a reminder we are once again not pregnant. My love for him has grown to a deeper level of appreciation and respect. His patience has been the glue that keeps me together with every piece of bad news. For that, I am truly grateful.

A lot of people have asked for an update on our journey. Sometimes it really is hard for me to talk about it when I don't have any new or exciting news to share. But I have to remember everything happens for a reason.

I will say this, these last few months have mostly been a waiting game for us. We postponed our next IVF cycle after we began our search for a new physician. I also needed a break both physically and mentally before I went back to daily needles, sleepless nights, hot flashes, migraines, and doctors poking and prodding me every other day. But thankfully, we did find a new doctor and we've been blessed BEYOND belief by all of the amazing people who have offered advise, support and love over these last few months. Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine how I'm going to ever be able to explain to those very special people who have helped us along the way, my gratitude and appreciate for how they have changed our lives. This entire experience has changed my outlook on life. It has changed me as a woman, a friend, a Mom, a daughter and more than anything a wife. Sometimes heartache changes people. And sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us. I am saying lots of prayers this week for all those couples out there who are still trying to grow their family. In the spirit of National Infertility Awareness Week, if you know someone who is suffering from infertility, please be sure you recognize their heartache and give them an extra big hug.

And my advise to all those couples out there who are navigating this same journey as Scott and I is to always  respect each other. Have patience. Allow this time in your life to bring you closer together. Be kind and always remember to simply love one another unconditionally. Love, like heartache, can change you forever.

As Free As We'll Ever Be

I've had a little over a month now to process our recent IVF cycle. Surprisingly there have been a lot of really great days, but I've also had a lot of really crappy ones as well. The first few weeks were the hardest. Simple things that never used to phase me became daunting tasks. Going to the grocery store and seeing a new Mom pushing her baby in the shopping cart literally made me start balling in the middle of the produce isle. Every other commercial on TV suddenly seemed to be about pregnancy tests, pampers diapers or J&J baby shampoo. Even as a fairly seasoned Marketeer, I usually appreciate Google's tracking and targeted ads that show up on my browser every time I open my laptop or stroll through my Facebook feed. I just wish I could somehow turn off the pregnancy, baby and fertility ads. But the hardest days were the one's where I just wanted to give Ethan a big hug. Missing him everyday is never easy, but the first few weeks after our IVF cycle I just wanted to squeeze him with every ounce of energy I had left. 

But, with every bad day, I say a little prayer, asking God to keep me strong and to send me a reminder that all this will be worth it some day. And I always seems to get an answer.

About a week after receiving the news that our IVF procedure was unsuccessful, we went back to talk to our doctor about our options and next steps. We read through mountains of paperwork, reviewed every detail of all of my tests results over the last few months, looked at pictures of healthy eggs and embryos compared to mine, and the diagnosis was still the same (obviously) my eggs in this cycle were simply just not strong enough. Seeing as though we are a cash paying patient (my medical insurance doesn't cover ANY 'treatments' only diagnostic testing when it comes to infertility) our doctor felt that it was too risky to try another round using my own eggs. So he recommended  we consider 3 options: an anonymous egg donor, a frozen egg donor, or embryo adoption. We also discussed traditional adoption, which could be something we will consider in the future. All of these options are still extremely expensive, some more than others, and some have a much shorter timeline, we just had to decide how much we could afford and how quickly we'd want to move.

It was a lot of information to  process and I began to question how I felt about each option. I suddenly realized I could have to accept the fact that there could be a chance that Scott and I might not be able to have a baby that was genetically half mine and half his. Listening to our doctor talk about all of the alternatives to another round of IVF using my own eggs, it all sounded so scientific. Like I was back in 9th grade Chemistry class trying to figure out the formula for Hydrochloric acid. I was so lost.

We left the doctors office feeling a little defeated. Both Scott and I had to go back to work. Scott kissed me on my forehead and said, "let's just take the rest of the day to let that sink in and we'll talk tonight." I agreed and got into my car. As I was driving, I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. I kept repeating "It's not you, it's me" over and over in my head. "It's not you, it's me." You know that line, you hear it all the time in movies and on TV, when it comes to relationships and breakups. Thankfully for me, it was not about a breakup. But it was about a break down.

Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. It's hard to explain to those who have not sailed on the Sea of Infertility. It's like chartering a ship to Pregnancy Island but you end up on a boat with a leak that you just can't seem to fix (mostly because it costs the equivalent of purchasing a brand new car with each attempt to try). I know I shouldn't feel this heavy burden of guilt, but the truth is, I do.

When we both got home that night, we decided to open a bottle of wine and talk about all of the options our doctor had given us. I broke down and told Scott how I had been carrying around this guilt all day. He squeezed my hand and wiped away my tears. "There are things in life that are out of our control babe, and this just happens to be one of those things. This is no one's fault, this is all apart of God's plan for us, and I think he's telling us not to give up. Maybe we just had to get all of the bad eggs out to get the one good egg!"

I knew he was right, and I smiled and shook my head. "So what do we do?" I asked. "I know we're going to love our baby no matter where he or she comes from. An anonymous donor, a frozen egg, or if we were to adopt an embryo, we would love that baby just as much as a baby that we conceived on our own. But I think we should give this one more shot" Scott said. I felt instant relief. I knew deep down I wasn't ready to give up. "Let's take some time to reconnect and rejuvenate. Maybe it's just what we need to get to a good place to give it another try." So from that moment on we decided that we were going to take one day at a time and enjoy every moment for what it was.

I decided it was important for me to find small things each day that made me happy. I realized there were so many things that I was missing out on over the last few months because I was so laser focused on every shot, every pill, every doctors appointment, I was letting the little things slip by.

The next morning, on my drive to work, I turned on Pandora. I decided I needed a little pick-me-up to start my day off with a smile. I turned it to the Zac Brown Band station because all of their songs remind me of Scott. The first song that came on was called "Free". I had heard it many times before but never really listened to the words. As I digested the lyrics, I watched as the sun began to rise over the tree line in front of me and it was like God was sending me a clear message.....

"We'll end up hand in hand
Somewhere down on the sand
Just me and you

Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be

We drive until the city lights
Dissolve into a country sky
Just me and you

Lay underneath the harvest moon
Do all the things that lovers do
Just me and you

Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Ever be

No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love

It was those last words that brought tears to my eyes, and I just knew everything was going to be OK. "All we need is love." God was telling me, with a little love, we'll get there. Some way. Some how.

If you've never heard the song before, click below!

Chapter One. "That was not your baby"

I have been avoiding this for as long as I could. Writing this blog post for me meant this is now real. Somehow putting the words 'in writing' made it official for me. So here goes....

......it didn't work.....

There. I said it.

I literally said the words out loud as I typed each letter.

I wasn't sure if I could pull myself together to write about the end of this experience for us.

Let me rephrase that.

This is not the end. This is just the ending to this chapter in our story. Chapter One  - "God said, 'That was not your baby'."

I'm not sure where to even begin. These last few days have been so painful and yet, somehow, we have found so much hope & peace in our loss. Scott and I have grown closer in these last 18 months than we have ever been in our 9 years together. It sounds cliche, but when I think about it, the truth is, when you suffer a loss, somehow, all of life's most beautiful blessings seem to emerge from the rubble and devastation we've experienced in the last week.

As we got closer to our retrieval date, the doctors made it very clear I wasn't responding to the medication and stimulation process the way they had expected. However, they reassured us all we needed was one good egg to get us through to a healthy embryo. Surely my body was capable of producing one healthy egg, right? I was doing everything they asked me to do. I was eating healthy, cutting out all alcohol, soda, and caffeine, getting 8 hours of sleep (as often as I could), I was taking my injections, suppositories (ick, I know), steroids, aspirins, antibiotics, vitamins, drinking gallons of water, controlling my stress & anxiety. There was no reason why this shouldn't work.

Waking up from anesthesia on Tuesday, I remember my first thought was "I did it. They got the eggs. I'm going to have a baby growing inside of me in just a few weeks." A few moments after they brought me in to the recovery room, Scott came in and squeezed my hand. "I love you" he said with a big smile.

The doctor came in a few minutes later. "Well, not as many as we had hoped for. We were only able to get five eggs." Five? Are you kidding me? FIVE? I should have mentioned that at our very first IVF appointment, the doctors said they typically hope to retrieve 15 eggs from someone my age. We knew after our first few monitoring ultrasounds that I didn't have many follicles growing, but we were hoping for at least 9 or 10 relatively healthy eggs that would mature and get us at least 3-4 fertilized eggs that would then become our little embryos.

I was devastated. But again the doctor reassured us it only takes one, and let's just wait and see how they do in the next 24 hours during the fertilization period. They would call us the next morning with a status report to see how many eggs matured and successfully fertilized overnight.

I don't even remember the drive home. I'm sure it was the anesthesia, but I think I was hoping to fall back asleep and wake up again in the recovery room to a different diagnosis.

The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. Lots of phone calls, texts, flowers and messages, all of which Scott willingly intercepted. I didn't have it in me to talk to anyone (besides my immediate family) - I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was disappointed in myself and I felt I had somehow failed Scott.

8:00 am sharp the next morning my cell phone rang. I held my breath and shut my eyes. "I'm sorry Mrs. Chatterton, but it seems only one of your eggs matured and fertilized overnight, and it's looking abnormal."  My heart sank. The next few days were agony. They told us they wanted to watch our little embryo over the next 3-5 days to see if it divided and somehow developed normally. I prayed and pleaded with God to please give us this miracle. How could we not have ONE good embryo? This is not how this was supposed to happen. This seems so unfair.

Fast forward to Friday. I went to work - my head was in a complete fog. My eyes were puffy from 2 days of constant tears. I tried to stay positive, but the fear just overtook my body. Around lunchtime, my phone rang. The doctor dropped the atomic bomb. "I'm sorry, we just don't see enough change. We can't do a transfer with this embryo. It's too much of a risk for implantation failure or and even if you do get pregnant, the risk of a miscarriage is too high".



I struggle to find the right words to explain the emotions that came over me - it felt like a tidal wave crashing down over me, drowning my mind - unable to think straight. I was angry, confused, felt guilty, lost, and broken.

I managed to pull myself together, told my amazingly understanding boss that I had to leave. He gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was and to head home for the day. Looking back, this is where I discovered blessing number one. My amazing boss and colleagues. I can't imagine having to navigate this journey under any other circumstances in my career. My work family has been so accepting and understanding of this process, I feel so lucky to have their full support these last few months.

I made it home. Pulled into the garage, sat in my car and completely broke down. Within minutes of arriving home, one of my girlfriends pulled into the driveway behind me. Scott called her and asked her to go intercept me at home because he couldn't get away from work and knew she was close by. She opened my door and pretty much carried me into the house. She sat with me while I cried. It was then that I realized blessing number two. The amazing support I've received from my girlfriends over the last several months. A few of my other girlfriends came over a little while later that night with wine and open arms. I shared more tears with them as I told them about our devastating news. And after I did, I felt so much peace knowing they were there to support me and grieve with me. I know everyone has difficult things going on in their own lives, so I can't even begin to thank all the girls who have shown me so much love and support over the last few months. Your friendships are what make times like this bearable!

To my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law. Blessing number three. Your support and love for Scott and I means more to me than I can say. You have made so much possible for us throughout this journey, and for that, I am forever grateful. You've given me the most incredible gift life has to offer. Your son, my husband, and Ethan's Father. Thank you for being a part of our journey, I love you more than you'll ever know!

To my family. My Mother, Father, and Sister. Sometimes just being so far away from you all is hard enough. But the miles between us doesn't make me feel your love and support any less. Blessing number four. I am so grateful to be a part of this family. Your love has given me the strength I needed to make it this far in our journey, and I hope as my little family grows, I can pass that love along - the same love you all have shown me, not just during this time, but throughout my life.

And finally, blessing number five. My husband. You have been my magnetic North these last few months. Never allowing me to lose sight of what life has in store for us. You've seen me at my worst, and loved me anyway. You've seen me break down and lose my faith, and loved me anyway. You've carried me through this darkness, held my hand and wiped away my tears. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for giving me Ethan. Thank you for never giving up on our journey. Our story doesn't end here. This is just the end to this chapter.

And,.. so as the saying goes.... If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Chapter two begins..