Forgiving My Broken Body

I have had over 100 needles injected into my body over the last 6+ months. Some I've administered myself into my abdomen subcutaneously, leaving tennis ball sized bruises around my belly button. Some have been with 2 inch needles that my poor husband had to insert intramuscularly into my upper butt cheek like a dart making it almost impossible to wear pants that put any sort of pressure or tension around my waistline. I've given probably over a quart of my own blood during routine exams every other day for weeks at a time. I've had to endure more vaginal ultrasounds and vaginal suppositories than I care to think about, and I've lost track of how many pills I've swallowed - probably over 500 if I'm doing my math right. Battling sheer exhaustion, hormones sending me into fits of uncontrollable tears, headaches, bloating and 10 extra lbs later....... we are still not pregnant.

Our little embryos did not survive and we are truly heartbroken.

And yet I cannot help but smile through my tears when I think about how far we've come since January. It's important to me to celebrate these last two weeks that I got to carry around our two little embryos. They are perfect blueprints of Scott and I coming together to form a life. What an amazing gift we have been given to come this far.

I have struggled for many months now coming to terms with the fact that as a woman, my body has not been able to do what it's naturally supposed to do - create life. I see so many women around me growing a little person inside their bellies and can't help but feel envious. I have faith that one day, that will be me, unfortunately, just not this time. I've had my share of disappointments in life. And I've always been told, learning to forgive the people that let you down helps you move on. Today, I have decided to forgive myself, and to forgive my body. It may not be perfect, and it may be broken, but my spirit is not. I refuse to give up this fight. I did everything in my power I could, and I'm going to continue to do everything I can for as long as it takes, whatever it takes.

Chapter two comes to a close with lots of tears and heartache. However, I am at peace and feel extremely blessed to have been able to come this far. We will continue to grieve this loss, but will celebrate the amazing gift we have received from this journey. I have never felt so much love and support from friends, family, those I have lost touch with over the years and even people who I've never met before. Your support and well wishes along the way have kept me going. For this, I am forever grateful.  We begin chapter three in faith and love. I will forever cherish the friendships I have made along the way, the respect and admiration that has grown between Scott and I and the love I have felt from so many who have supported us with prayers and well wishes. I'm not sure we would be where we are today if we had tried to survive this journey alone. I sometimes harbor guilt just for feeling like I've let all the people down who have been cheering for us for so many months. But know that we are never going to give up. As the saying goes, "When God closes a door,  somewhere he opens a window"