As Free As We'll Ever Be

I've had a little over a month now to process our recent IVF cycle. Surprisingly there have been a lot of really great days, but I've also had a lot of really crappy ones as well. The first few weeks were the hardest. Simple things that never used to phase me became daunting tasks. Going to the grocery store and seeing a new Mom pushing her baby in the shopping cart literally made me start balling in the middle of the produce isle. Every other commercial on TV suddenly seemed to be about pregnancy tests, pampers diapers or J&J baby shampoo. Even as a fairly seasoned Marketeer, I usually appreciate Google's tracking and targeted ads that show up on my browser every time I open my laptop or stroll through my Facebook feed. I just wish I could somehow turn off the pregnancy, baby and fertility ads. But the hardest days were the one's where I just wanted to give Ethan a big hug. Missing him everyday is never easy, but the first few weeks after our IVF cycle I just wanted to squeeze him with every ounce of energy I had left. 

But, with every bad day, I say a little prayer, asking God to keep me strong and to send me a reminder that all this will be worth it some day. And I always seems to get an answer.

About a week after receiving the news that our IVF procedure was unsuccessful, we went back to talk to our doctor about our options and next steps. We read through mountains of paperwork, reviewed every detail of all of my tests results over the last few months, looked at pictures of healthy eggs and embryos compared to mine, and the diagnosis was still the same (obviously) my eggs in this cycle were simply just not strong enough. Seeing as though we are a cash paying patient (my medical insurance doesn't cover ANY 'treatments' only diagnostic testing when it comes to infertility) our doctor felt that it was too risky to try another round using my own eggs. So he recommended  we consider 3 options: an anonymous egg donor, a frozen egg donor, or embryo adoption. We also discussed traditional adoption, which could be something we will consider in the future. All of these options are still extremely expensive, some more than others, and some have a much shorter timeline, we just had to decide how much we could afford and how quickly we'd want to move.

It was a lot of information to  process and I began to question how I felt about each option. I suddenly realized I could have to accept the fact that there could be a chance that Scott and I might not be able to have a baby that was genetically half mine and half his. Listening to our doctor talk about all of the alternatives to another round of IVF using my own eggs, it all sounded so scientific. Like I was back in 9th grade Chemistry class trying to figure out the formula for Hydrochloric acid. I was so lost.

We left the doctors office feeling a little defeated. Both Scott and I had to go back to work. Scott kissed me on my forehead and said, "let's just take the rest of the day to let that sink in and we'll talk tonight." I agreed and got into my car. As I was driving, I was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt. I kept repeating "It's not you, it's me" over and over in my head. "It's not you, it's me." You know that line, you hear it all the time in movies and on TV, when it comes to relationships and breakups. Thankfully for me, it was not about a breakup. But it was about a break down.

Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. It's hard to explain to those who have not sailed on the Sea of Infertility. It's like chartering a ship to Pregnancy Island but you end up on a boat with a leak that you just can't seem to fix (mostly because it costs the equivalent of purchasing a brand new car with each attempt to try). I know I shouldn't feel this heavy burden of guilt, but the truth is, I do.

When we both got home that night, we decided to open a bottle of wine and talk about all of the options our doctor had given us. I broke down and told Scott how I had been carrying around this guilt all day. He squeezed my hand and wiped away my tears. "There are things in life that are out of our control babe, and this just happens to be one of those things. This is no one's fault, this is all apart of God's plan for us, and I think he's telling us not to give up. Maybe we just had to get all of the bad eggs out to get the one good egg!"

I knew he was right, and I smiled and shook my head. "So what do we do?" I asked. "I know we're going to love our baby no matter where he or she comes from. An anonymous donor, a frozen egg, or if we were to adopt an embryo, we would love that baby just as much as a baby that we conceived on our own. But I think we should give this one more shot" Scott said. I felt instant relief. I knew deep down I wasn't ready to give up. "Let's take some time to reconnect and rejuvenate. Maybe it's just what we need to get to a good place to give it another try." So from that moment on we decided that we were going to take one day at a time and enjoy every moment for what it was.

I decided it was important for me to find small things each day that made me happy. I realized there were so many things that I was missing out on over the last few months because I was so laser focused on every shot, every pill, every doctors appointment, I was letting the little things slip by.

The next morning, on my drive to work, I turned on Pandora. I decided I needed a little pick-me-up to start my day off with a smile. I turned it to the Zac Brown Band station because all of their songs remind me of Scott. The first song that came on was called "Free". I had heard it many times before but never really listened to the words. As I digested the lyrics, I watched as the sun began to rise over the tree line in front of me and it was like God was sending me a clear message.....

"We'll end up hand in hand
Somewhere down on the sand
Just me and you

Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be

We drive until the city lights
Dissolve into a country sky
Just me and you

Lay underneath the harvest moon
Do all the things that lovers do
Just me and you

Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Ever be

No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
No we don't have a lot of money
All we need is love

It was those last words that brought tears to my eyes, and I just knew everything was going to be OK. "All we need is love." God was telling me, with a little love, we'll get there. Some way. Some how.

If you've never heard the song before, click below!