A Letter To Our Embryos

My Dearest Little Ones,

You came into our world just 3 and a half short weeks ago. I have thought about you every single moment that has passed since then. You are two little miracles that represent your Daddy and I - I will cherish and remember you for the rest of my life. From the moment we saw you for the first time, we loved you instantly. Two little cells, genetically blended together with love and equal parts from your Dad and I. I cried the day they placed you back inside my belly. I know it seems impossible, but I felt you in there. I felt life and new beginnings.

I want you to know, I fought for you. We searched for you for the last year and a half. It all started when we decided we were ready to grow our family. We prayed for you month after month. Your Daddy and I said we would enjoy the journey and if the timing was right, you would show up on one of the gazillion home pregnancy tests we'd take as each month passed. We did everything we could to bring you home. We changed our diet, we got more sleep, we took lots of walks, I checked my temperature every morning, cut back my caffeine and alcohol, and even stood on my head a few times......When you didn't come, we decided to see a doctor to help us find you. 

At times I felt like we were searching for you like trying to find a needle in a hay stack, as they say. I started to take lots of pills to help you grow. But we still couldn't find you. So we emptied our savings account, and with lots of help from your grandparents, we decided it was time to go in and search for you. First came the shots in my belly. They were painful at times, but every time I poked myself with one of those needles, my tummy would flip at the thought of being one step closer to finding you. 

I would go and see our doctor every few days, they would draw my blood and look for you on the ultrasound machine. The day came where the doctors were going to put me to sleep and take you out of my belly, when you were just a tiny cell, completely invisible to the naked eye. But unfortunately, you weren't there. You were no where to be found. And we were heartbroken. I cried for many days wondering where you were and when we would finally know that you were on your way. 

Your Daddy and I took some time to rest. We reconnected and re-evaluated and were blessed to find a new doctor who is committed to helping us bring you home. We began taking lots of medicine to get Mommy healthy. We were given a whole new regiment of shots and we started our search for you once more. This time was different. I just felt we were going to find you somehow. After 40 shots in my belly over 8 days,  lots of ultrasounds and blood draws, it was time to go in and search for you again. We traveled over 800 miles to meet our new team of doctors and nurses who have been anxiously awaiting to help us find for you. And by the grace of God, we did! See your very first picture - (#2 and #6)!

We waited 3 days after they retrieved you from my tummy (when you were just tiny eggs) before they carefully placed you back inside my uterine cavity. We prayed that you would get cozy and settle in for the next 9 months. This is a picture of Mommy and her friend Tiffany right after you got settled back in my belly. She is the reason we were able to find you!

For the next 2 weeks, we prayed harder than ever. I ate lots of "sticky" foods to help you hang on. My diet was mostly pineapple core, eggs, avocado, brazil nuts, decaf green tea and pomegranate juice. I kept wooly socks on my feet at all times (even at my desk when I returned to work) to help keep you warm, and I rested as much as I could. I stayed at your Neena and Poppy's for a few days during those two weeks. Your Neena and Poppy took such good care of me. Neena was there to see you the day they took you out of my belly and the day they put you back. She even gave me my very first progesterone shot in my behind! So many people went out of their way to help make sure you were settling in comfortably. Daddy even traveled through the night to be there for your retrieval day, and took a 6 hour train ride to Washington DC just to drive Mommy back home to North Carolina so I wouldn't have to drive those 5 hours by myself.

The next few days were tough but my heart was overflowing with joy just thinking about you. Daddy kissed my belly each night and told you how much he loved you. We were anxious to know how you were doing. Daddy gave me my shots for the next few days to help you stay strong. They were a little scary, but totally worth it!

 

We got lots of phone calls, texts, prayers, well wishes and happy thoughts from so many people who have been rooting for you for so long now. The day finally came when we would find out if you were still there, growing inside my tummy. When the phone rang, my heart stopped. I prayed one last prayer and answered my phone. In a very somber tone, our doctors voice said, "I'm so sorry Dianne, but I don't have good news for you and Scott". My heart sank and my eyes filled up with tears. How could this be?

Daddy and I sat in our living room and cried together for you both. Over the next few days, many people reached out to express their sadness when they heard the news. Even though we lost you, you brought us so much joy during those two weeks - you represent a permanent stamp on our hearts. Two little bundles of cells bonded together by love, hope and the determination of two people who loved you before you were even created.

                                                                                                           

We will continue to fight for you Baby! Even if that means we don't share the same genes, you are still 100% a product of your Daddy and I. We will love you just the same. You already have a big brother waiting for you, who is going to love you, just the same too. He is going to take such good care of you, because he is already an amazing big brother. He and I may not share the same DNA but I love him the same way I will love you, unconditionally and with every ounce of my being.

This is my vow to you. I will love you, no matter how or when you decide to get here. You are ours, forever and always.

<3 Mommy

Forgiving My Broken Body

I have had over 100 needles injected into my body over the last 6+ months. Some I've administered myself into my abdomen subcutaneously, leaving tennis ball sized bruises around my belly button. Some have been with 2 inch needles that my poor husband had to insert intramuscularly into my upper butt cheek like a dart making it almost impossible to wear pants that put any sort of pressure or tension around my waistline. I've given probably over a quart of my own blood during routine exams every other day for weeks at a time. I've had to endure more vaginal ultrasounds and vaginal suppositories than I care to think about, and I've lost track of how many pills I've swallowed - probably over 500 if I'm doing my math right. Battling sheer exhaustion, hormones sending me into fits of uncontrollable tears, headaches, bloating and 10 extra lbs later....... we are still not pregnant.

Our little embryos did not survive and we are truly heartbroken.

And yet I cannot help but smile through my tears when I think about how far we've come since January. It's important to me to celebrate these last two weeks that I got to carry around our two little embryos. They are perfect blueprints of Scott and I coming together to form a life. What an amazing gift we have been given to come this far.

I have struggled for many months now coming to terms with the fact that as a woman, my body has not been able to do what it's naturally supposed to do - create life. I see so many women around me growing a little person inside their bellies and can't help but feel envious. I have faith that one day, that will be me, unfortunately, just not this time. I've had my share of disappointments in life. And I've always been told, learning to forgive the people that let you down helps you move on. Today, I have decided to forgive myself, and to forgive my body. It may not be perfect, and it may be broken, but my spirit is not. I refuse to give up this fight. I did everything in my power I could, and I'm going to continue to do everything I can for as long as it takes, whatever it takes.

Chapter two comes to a close with lots of tears and heartache. However, I am at peace and feel extremely blessed to have been able to come this far. We will continue to grieve this loss, but will celebrate the amazing gift we have received from this journey. I have never felt so much love and support from friends, family, those I have lost touch with over the years and even people who I've never met before. Your support and well wishes along the way have kept me going. For this, I am forever grateful.  We begin chapter three in faith and love. I will forever cherish the friendships I have made along the way, the respect and admiration that has grown between Scott and I and the love I have felt from so many who have supported us with prayers and well wishes. I'm not sure we would be where we are today if we had tried to survive this journey alone. I sometimes harbor guilt just for feeling like I've let all the people down who have been cheering for us for so many months. But know that we are never going to give up. As the saying goes, "When God closes a door,  somewhere he opens a window"