Thank You For Making Me A Mommy

November is, and has always been, my favorite month. Not just because it’s the month I was born, or  the time of year the leaves miraculously paint a landscape of bright reds, yellows and orange. It’s not because I get to unearth my wooly sweaters from the back of my closet, dust off my fuzzy boots, and sip pumpkin flavored frothy drinks. Don't get me wrong, I do love all of those things,  but there is one day out of the 365 days that pass each year, that has always been my absolute favorite….. Thanksgiving Day. It’s been my favorite holiday since I was a young child. Seriously! It even beat out Christmas and the last day of school! 

At the start of the year, I’d been especially looking forward to Thanksgiving. At that time, just a few short months into our baby making marathon,  I was SURE  we’d have an extra little turkey joining us as we gathered with family around the dinner table. But when January became February, and February turned to March,  I came to the realization we’d have to wait another year before we’d celebrate my favorite holiday with a new family member.

So as you can expect, the last few months, I haven’t been feeling my usual excitement about the upcoming holiday season. To be honest, I haven’t even been feeling all that thankful lately.  It’s no secret that our struggle to get pregnant has been somewhat of a lonely & dark place at times. But I’m lucky to have the support of friends and family who remind me with each passing day, I’m one step closer than I was to having a baby than I was the day before.

A few weekends ago, I celebrated my 29^th birthday.  I wasn't looking forward to being 1 year closer to 30. Happily it turned out to be a great day thanks in part to my amazing co-workers and my sweet, sweet husband.  Scott always manages to find a way to make every birthday more special than the one before. It’s one of the things I love most about him. We also hosted a pre-thanksgiving & birthday celebration at our home with a great group of friends, which really helped lift my spirits and get me back in the turkey day spirit.

After all of the celebrating subsided, I realized how lucky I was and started to think long and hard about what I was thankful for. Even though we didn't get to bring our little turkey home this year, I started to realize I had a lot more to be thankful for this year than many years that have passed. This I owe to my husband. Yes. I know, it sounds corny and I’m sure some will roll their eyes and think “get a room” as they read on, but try to stay with me.

I've found since starting this blog, each time I sit down and let my fingers start to tap the keyboard, I’m slowly tearing down this wall of silence I've been hiding behind for the last year. It has been so therapeutic for me, I’m actually annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner and more often.

So, in the spirit of this week’s holiday, my favorite day, I decided to write down what I’m thankful for. This year it just so happens to be in the form of a letter to my husband, Scott.

Dear Scott,

Where to begin? I suppose I could start this off with a clichéd line of “As I reflect upon the last 8 years we’ve shared together”… but I could pretty much guarantee you would chuckle and know exactly what I was going to say before you even read the rest of this letter. So I’m going to start by saying this….

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful God decided to NOT bless us with a baby this year.

Are you freaking out yet?

Good.

Don’t worry, there’s more…..

I’m thankful He decided this year just wasn't the right year for us, because it put things into perspective for me.

I know I've been an emotional basket case at times over the last year. All I've been thinking about, talking about, and praying about is having a baby.  I’d lost sight of the many amazing things that DID happen to us.

I think back to where we were a year ago. You were working 90+ hours a week at a job that was supposed to be the best opportunity you’d have in your tenured career as an Executive Chef. I watched you fight every morning to gain the strength needed to continue to get up and go to work.  You are by far, the hardest working man I've ever known in my life. The day you decided to leave that job at Jimmy V’s was one of the scariest, but one of the best days of my life. It gave me my husband back.

 Sometimes I forget to tell you how thankful I am to have such a hard working husband. I know I complain a lot about wishing you were home more on weekends and week nights, that I forget to tell how grateful I am that you take so much pride in what you do.

Sometimes I forget to tell you how grateful I am you were the one who encouraged me to complete my Masters degree.  Even though it meant we’d see each other less, and the additional financial burden it brought, you knew it was important to me, and you supported me every step of the way.

Sometimes I forget you tragically lost two of your very best friends within two years of one another. To this day, I admire your strength and efforts to continually celebrate both Jeremy’s and Richie’s lives.

I’m thankful you tell me you love me every night before we fall asleep, and every morning when we wake up.  

But most of all….. more than anything else in this world…..I’m thankful you have given me the most incredible gift a person could ever give.

From the moment he stepped foot into my life, my whole world changed.

Even though I didn’t carry him in my belly for 9 months, he brings more joy to my life than I ever thought possible. He and I share something so special. I am struggling to fight back tears just thinking about it. We share something no one else could ever take from us - a love for you, my husband, and Ethan’s daddy.

So it’s OK we didn't bring home our baby this Thanksgiving, because I’m thankful to be able to celebrate my favorite day of the year with my favorite little blond haired, blue eyed boy.

I’ll end with this. I want to say thank you.

Thank you for making me a Mommy.

You and Ethan are the best thing to ever have happened to me. There aren't enough words in the English language to tell you how much I love him, and how much I love you. I thank God for bringing you both into my life. I can’t imagine a life without either of you in it.

Today, and every day…. I’m thankful that you gave me Ethan.

Politics & Pregnancy

I have been struggling a bit lately with all of the political hype around the elections this week. First and foremost, I want to put something out there before I dive into this post …. I hate politics. Not politicians (per se), I just hate the whole idea of republicans vs. democrats, donkeys vs. elephants, liberal or conservative… however you slice it, serve it up, and tie a pretty red or blue ribbon on it, I can’t stand it. I think it’s because I am not a controversial person. Now, that does not mean that I don’t have my own beliefs and views on what I think is right, I just choose to keep them to myself. This is not about what party I follow or support. Let me make that very clear before I reveal what this post is all about….I want to talk about something that has been on my mind every night since Scott and I have decided that we will be pursuing IVF treatments after the new year. I want to talk about….

Abortion.

Yes. I know, I know. Likely one of the most contentious & highly debatable topics since Roe vs. Wade. But I have to get this off my chest. Again, I want to stress the fact that this is not about whether I’m pro-life or pro-choice. I am purposefully choosing not to disclose my beliefs and views on the act of abortion, but only to share my frustration on why our government funds organizations like the Planned Parenthood but does not mandate insurance coverage for fertility clinics and infertility treatments. According to their latest annual report for 2011-2012, The Planned Parenthood Federation of America said that its affiliated clinics performed 333,964 abortions in fiscal 2011. That works out to an average of one abortion every 94 seconds. The same report states that from 2011 – 2012, Planned Parenthood received $542.4 million in “government health services grants and reimbursements.” Now don’t get me wrong, I realize Planned Parenthood offers a wide variety of other services other than abortion for millions of women AND men who cannot afford necessary healthcare services. But where is the support for couples who are trying to bring babies into this world, not prevent it? I recognize there is SO much more than just ‘offering’ coverage to anyone who wants to have a baby and can’t on their own. It would need to be heavily regulated to prevent wackadoo women like Octomom from abusing the system. I’m merely questioning why our tax dollars aren’t ALSO supporting creating life, not just preventing it.

I had another appointment with our other fertility doctor in a last ditch effort to ensure I had covered all my bases before we hit the go button on starting anymore treatments. After meeting with the doctor, and hearing that there wasn’t much else that we could do at this point other than begin the process of IVF, I immediately went back to my computer and began consulting with my friend Google. He introduced me to “Resolve”, the National Infertility Association. As I paroozed their website, I stumbled across their Family Building Options page and spotted “Insurance Coverage.” I immediately clicked it in the hopes that I had perhaps overlooked the fine print in my insurance policy and there was some hidden clause stating that I would be fully covered and all my worries were about to be washed away. To my dismay, the headline read “Currently, 15 states have passed laws that require insurers to either cover or offer coverage for infertility diagnosis and treatment”. I looked over the list. Again. And again, praying my eyes were playing tricks on my and I had somehow missed North Carolina. I was so focused on trying to find my new home state on the short list that I almost missed it. There it was. MARYLAND. Are you KIDDING me????? Just 18 short months ago…..SIX MONTHS before we started trying, and you’re telling me I would have been covered if I still lived in the state I had called home for 27 years???? I thought my head was going to explode. I could feel that lump in my throat growing larger as I tried to choke back the tears. How is any of this fair, I thought to myself?

That night was the end of all the campaigning and election nonsense. I plopped myself in front of the TV hoping to be distracted by a Bravo re-run, but somehow landed on one of the local news stations. In between segments, the network was flooded with political ads and campaign slogans. Before I quickly changed the channel to avoid the noise, I heard one of the candidates mention abortion and my mind began to wonder. How is it that SOME women (and I truly mean some women, not all) are ‘abusing’ our system and using abortion as a FREE form of birth control and Scott and I have to bare the burden of huge financial expenses just to get pregnant? And I realize I am treading in dangerous waters here, but I am really only referring to the women who are having unprotected sex, and having multiple abortions instead of being responsible and using other forms of birth control to prevent pregnancy.

Again, back to my previous statement. I am NOT saying I believe abortion is right or wrong. I believe it is not my right to judge a women’s decision when I have not been in the position to have to decide whether to keep a baby or not. I only know what I WOULD do if I was faced with that decision, and I feel that it is my right to keep that information to myself. So, again, this is not about the act of abortion. This is my soapbox speech on why there isn’t just as much support for women and loving, able couples who want to bring a child into this world. How can we create a system that offers the same types of funding programs for people who are struggling to conceive on their own?

I will end with this. Nothing is going to stand in our way from bringing our baby home someday. And I mean NOTHING. We aren't going to let the financial aspect of all of this stop us from having a baby. However, wouldn't it be nice if our government was supporting us and others who are trying to bring new life into this world just as much as for those who are trying to prevent it? 

End rant.