......it didn't work.....
There. I said it.
I literally said the words out loud as I typed each letter.
I wasn't sure if I could pull myself together to write about the end of this experience for us.
Let me rephrase that.
This is not the end. This is just the ending to this chapter in our story. Chapter One - "God said, 'That was not your baby'."
I'm not sure where to even begin. These last few days have been so painful and yet, somehow, we have found so much hope & peace in our loss. Scott and I have grown closer in these last 18 months than we have ever been in our 9 years together. It sounds cliche, but when I think about it, the truth is, when you suffer a loss, somehow, all of life's most beautiful blessings seem to emerge from the rubble and devastation we've experienced in the last week.
As we got closer to our retrieval date, the doctors made it very clear I wasn't responding to the medication and stimulation process the way they had expected. However, they reassured us all we needed was one good egg to get us through to a healthy embryo. Surely my body was capable of producing one healthy egg, right? I was doing everything they asked me to do. I was eating healthy, cutting out all alcohol, soda, and caffeine, getting 8 hours of sleep (as often as I could), I was taking my injections, suppositories (ick, I know), steroids, aspirins, antibiotics, vitamins, drinking gallons of water, controlling my stress & anxiety. There was no reason why this shouldn't work.
Waking up from anesthesia on Tuesday, I remember my first thought was "I did it. They got the eggs. I'm going to have a baby growing inside of me in just a few weeks." A few moments after they brought me in to the recovery room, Scott came in and squeezed my hand. "I love you" he said with a big smile.
The doctor came in a few minutes later. "Well, not as many as we had hoped for. We were only able to get five eggs." Five? Are you kidding me? FIVE? I should have mentioned that at our very first IVF appointment, the doctors said they typically hope to retrieve 15 eggs from someone my age. We knew after our first few monitoring ultrasounds that I didn't have many follicles growing, but we were hoping for at least 9 or 10 relatively healthy eggs that would mature and get us at least 3-4 fertilized eggs that would then become our little embryos.
I was devastated. But again the doctor reassured us it only takes one, and let's just wait and see how they do in the next 24 hours during the fertilization period. They would call us the next morning with a status report to see how many eggs matured and successfully fertilized overnight.
I don't even remember the drive home. I'm sure it was the anesthesia, but I think I was hoping to fall back asleep and wake up again in the recovery room to a different diagnosis.
The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. Lots of phone calls, texts, flowers and messages, all of which Scott willingly intercepted. I didn't have it in me to talk to anyone (besides my immediate family) - I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was disappointed in myself and I felt I had somehow failed Scott.
8:00 am sharp the next morning my cell phone rang. I held my breath and shut my eyes. "I'm sorry Mrs. Chatterton, but it seems only one of your eggs matured and fertilized overnight, and it's looking abnormal." My heart sank. The next few days were agony. They told us they wanted to watch our little embryo over the next 3-5 days to see if it divided and somehow developed normally. I prayed and pleaded with God to please give us this miracle. How could we not have ONE good embryo? This is not how this was supposed to happen. This seems so unfair.
Fast forward to Friday. I went to work - my head was in a complete fog. My eyes were puffy from 2 days of constant tears. I tried to stay positive, but the fear just overtook my body. Around lunchtime, my phone rang. The doctor dropped the atomic bomb. "I'm sorry, we just don't see enough change. We can't do a transfer with this embryo. It's too much of a risk for implantation failure or and even if you do get pregnant, the risk of a miscarriage is too high".
I struggle to find the right words to explain the emotions that came over me - it felt like a tidal wave crashing down over me, drowning my mind - unable to think straight. I was angry, confused, felt guilty, lost, and broken.
I managed to pull myself together, told my amazingly understanding boss that I had to leave. He gave me a big hug and told me how sorry he was and to head home for the day. Looking back, this is where I discovered blessing number one. My amazing boss and colleagues. I can't imagine having to navigate this journey under any other circumstances in my career. My work family has been so accepting and understanding of this process, I feel so lucky to have their full support these last few months.
I made it home. Pulled into the garage, sat in my car and completely broke down. Within minutes of arriving home, one of my girlfriends pulled into the driveway behind me. Scott called her and asked her to go intercept me at home because he couldn't get away from work and knew she was close by. She opened my door and pretty much carried me into the house. She sat with me while I cried. It was then that I realized blessing number two. The amazing support I've received from my girlfriends over the last several months. A few of my other girlfriends came over a little while later that night with wine and open arms. I shared more tears with them as I told them about our devastating news. And after I did, I felt so much peace knowing they were there to support me and grieve with me. I know everyone has difficult things going on in their own lives, so I can't even begin to thank all the girls who have shown me so much love and support over the last few months. Your friendships are what make times like this bearable!
To my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law. Blessing number three. Your support and love for Scott and I means more to me than I can say. You have made so much possible for us throughout this journey, and for that, I am forever grateful. You've given me the most incredible gift life has to offer. Your son, my husband, and Ethan's Father. Thank you for being a part of our journey, I love you more than you'll ever know!
To my family. My Mother, Father, and Sister. Sometimes just being so far away from you all is hard enough. But the miles between us doesn't make me feel your love and support any less. Blessing number four. I am so grateful to be a part of this family. Your love has given me the strength I needed to make it this far in our journey, and I hope as my little family grows, I can pass that love along - the same love you all have shown me, not just during this time, but throughout my life.
And finally, blessing number five. My husband. You have been my magnetic North these last few months. Never allowing me to lose sight of what life has in store for us. You've seen me at my worst, and loved me anyway. You've seen me break down and lose my faith, and loved me anyway. You've carried me through this darkness, held my hand and wiped away my tears. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for giving me Ethan. Thank you for never giving up on our journey. Our story doesn't end here. This is just the end to this chapter.
And,.. so as the saying goes.... If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Chapter two begins..
